Tag Archives: PND

May 6 2014

Is breastfeeding to blame for my baby blues?

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Breastfeeding is regarded by almost all as the best bonding experience between a mum and her baby. I’ve also heard dozens of mums talk of an overwhelming sense of pride that they’re able to solely sustain their babies. It all sounds very romantic and most mums will give it a good bash when they first meet their babies - myself included.

What’s more, every week the press will unveil some new benefit attributed to breastfeeding (sometimes spurious and ridiculous, but more often than not promoting the health and well-being of your baby in a way that can’t be ignored) - there was even some talk a few months back about the Government offering financial incentives to breastfeeding mums.

So if it’s that great, why am I this close to giving up?

Firstly there’s the way it makes me feel. I can’t seem to shake the thought that the act itself is primitive and animalistic. I feel like I’ve regressed to a dog or a cow swollen with milk. Adding to the effect, my breasts are large (currently 36H) meaning I’m favouring the rugby ball method with Heidi slung under my armpit on a cloud of pillows. This stops me smothering her with my breast but isn’t discreet and pretty like the pictures in the press. There’s nothing enjoyable about it either. I can’t gently stroke her head whilst she has her fill or she’d cop an elbow in the face! What’s more, it is isn’t really possible in the middle of Costa Coffee!

Add to this that fact I’m sporting a c-section wound that threatens to bust open at any moment, a baby that is yet to work out how to feed efficiently (one feed can take up to two hours), and a milk supply that has somewhat depleted given we had to introduce a few bottles of formula whilst waiting for my milk to come through, and hopefully I’m building a picture of just how much of a struggle this has been so far.

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Then there’s the impact on my toddler. As I watch Dexter struggle to come to terms with Heidi joining the family, every cry takes on a heartbreaking quality. He’ll call for Mama and paw at my legs and arms begging me to get on the floor with him and help him with a board puzzle. But no, I’m stuck in the most unnatural position you can think of with Heidi. I also go a little like a zombie when I breastfeed - I find it exhausting so often nod off. A few days ago I awoke to find Dex sitting on the floor of the downstairs loo reading a book in floods of tears. It broke me and I cried the entire day.

The discomfort is made even worse by the fact that my uterus continues to contract when she’s latched on. This is a horrible sensation and brings back flashbacks of the trauma my body went through before I was wheeled through to theatre. Then there’s the obligatory sore nipples. Every latch is excruciatingly painful. I feel stupid even writing this when my nipples are barely cracked but when you’re wobbling over whether to pack it all in or not you look for any excuse to quit - this is just another fat tick in the cons list.

Is it also selfish of me to worry about what state my boobs will be in when this is all over?

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All this has led to me seriously questioning whether it’s worth it. I know this might sound melodramatic, unnatural and even shocking to some, but I’m almost resenting Heidi’s insatiability and the sheer amount of time it takes to feed her. I feel so desperately sorry for Dexter and feel like a bad mum to both children. I hate the way it makes me feel about her, and I hate the way that Dexter is left for such long periods of time to entertain himself. Worst of all, I hate myself for even allowing these thoughts to creep on in.

I know I’ll be disappointed with myself if I admit defeat so easily. If Heidi gets more efficient and I make a real effort to wean her off these bottles, this could really work for us when I’m fully healed - it’s certainly easier than faffing around with bottles in the kitchen at 3am! But this doesn’t change the fact that I’ll never be able to recreate our feeding position in public, or be apart from Heidi for any length of time - I can’t ever see myself being able to express with my lowly supply. The only alternative is a complicated combination routine that I simply don’t trust myself to stick to.

I need some advice guys, I really do. Is there a connection between breastfeeding and baby blues? Perhaps this is the problem. I know that Craig is worried now and is keen for me to stop. He’s the one that sees me in tears daily, or irritable with Heidi. He thinks I’m putting too much pressure on myself and he has a point. I suffered quite badly with PND with Dex and do worry that some of the old signs are there again. Surely it’s not natural for me to dread feeding my baby?

 

Jan 27 2014

A Sneak Peek at Mini Madam & Some Bad News (28 Weeks)

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Well the good times were short-lived. Just two weeks after telling the world I was finally feeling better with this pregnancy, I’m feeling rubbish again.

Emotionally, I’m beginning to worry about the stresses of having another little one to look after. As Craig is self-employed and solely responsible for supporting this mini family, the night-feeds will be my job (and my job alone) from Day 1. Of course, this would be the case anyway, it’s not like Craig can detach my boobs and get on with it without me! But all of a sudden it seems very real and very scary.

With Dexter not yet at nursery, and getting ever-more demanding throughout the day - I do worry I might see a resurgence of PND too. I also really worry about how my little man will cope with sharing me… and how I will cope being shared! I have this mental image of Mini Madam latching on and Dexter emerging into the room with various treasures he’s managed to collect from around the house - bleach, knives, and scissors… Of course these things are usually locked away, but what if I’m exhausted and get careless, or if Dexter develops telekinesis due to abandonment issues???

In other news, I’m positively ravenous. The odd cherry bakewell and satsuma doesn’t touch the sides anymore. I’ve read that an 11lb weight gain is typical in the third trimester but if this carries on I’m likely to surpass that and eventually require air-lifting to the hospital!

Baby Girl 3D 28 Weeks

We also saw our gorgeous daughter in 3D this week. Craig managed to get a sneak peek too, in-between liberating various medical instruments from Dexie’s clutches throughout the scan. We counted all her toes and fingers and all the right bits were in the right places… including her girlie bits. This was such a relief. There was however bad news to come.

It seems my wonky belly button is due to Mini Madam chilling in just the one side of my belly. My placenta is wedged in beside her and she’s largely confined to my left hand side. Her feet are also wedged in beside her ears in all the tell-tale signs of another extended breech situation. What are the chances???

So it seems I have yet another Tom Daley wannabe lounging in my tummy. Dexter adopted exactly the same position throughout my first pregnancy and it ended with a failed ECV and a ruptured placenta. On my first day of maternity leave I bled out in my living room and had to call an ambulance. Dexter was delivered by emergency c-section a matter of hours later.

Of course there’s a slim chance baby could do a few somersaults and get into position before D Day - but there’s not much room in there for her to pull out such gymnastic feats. Of course I’ll be offered another ECV to try and poke and prod her over-and-under. But I’m beginning to think it would be selfish of me to even attempt this. An ECV might seem like the safest option, but I’ve seen firsthand what happens when it goes wrong. The thought of her getting tangled in my umbilical cord, or kicking my placenta to bits and compromising her ability to get those vital nutrients, frightens me more than the prospect of yet another c-section.

Of course I’m really reveling in the ‘what if’s’ here, but I’m still disappointed and worried. I had been really excited about the prospect of giving birth naturally and it’s sad to think I won’t be able to experience this. I also worry about whether my body will be able to cope with another pregnancy after this.

I’m off to see my midwife tomorrow - seems we have lots to talk about…

Nov 26 2012

American Pie: The Reunion… the antidote to PND?

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When the doctor first diagnosed me with postnatal depression 2 months ago - I was literally knocked sideways. I had just given birth to a beautiful and healthy baby, had an amazing man by my side, and had nothing to be unhappy about! I only went to the doctors as I had separation anxiety when Dexter and I were apart and was I hugely self-conscious about it.

Since that day, things got progressively more difficult in our home. I found myself analysing my relationships even more; with both Dexter and Craig. I was so consumed with parenting, poor Craig didn’t get too much of a look-in. A typical day would involve Craig going to work, returning home and cooking dinner with Dex, whilst I had some hands-free time. We’d eat in silence as the television was on, bath Dex, feed him, and settle him down. With all the practical bits of running a home, Craig and I would rarely get any quality time together. I’d go to bed first, and would often be asleep by the time Craig finished up downstairs.

It’s always been in the back of my mind that Craig and I need more ‘alone’ time - but until this weekend I just couldn’t seem to put it right. We’d just got so used to our routines. I was constantly tired and our little bundle of joy just seemed to need me more than Craig did.

The by-product of all this obsessing meant it got to the point where all our conversations were about Dexter and we rarely laughed together or had a kiss and a cuddle. I mistakenly thought that Dexter was the centre of our world and that it would be our achievements as parents that would make us stronger as a couple. I wouldn’t go so far as to say Craig and I were ever in danger of falling out of love with each other - I just lost track of what was important.

The realisation came for me when we watched American Pie: The Reunion this weekend. Craig got home on the Friday with a bottle of wine and a dine-in-for-two type affair. I was bored of I’m a Celebrity (shock - horror!) and was fed up of staring at the laptop, so suggested we pop on the latest offering from Lovefilm.

The film wasn’t great. It was typical American Pie humour; cringeworthy and ridiculous. But ironically there was something I could actually relate to this time round. Michele and Jim had had a baby and were struggling to make ‘time’ for each other. This was the overrunning theme the whole way through - at first it was their son that got in the way, then their friends; they were both out of sync and concerned about the impact on their relationship.

It wasn’t lost on me that Craig kept glancing at me. He’s tried to talk to me about it before but I’ve always quickly changed the subject. I must admit that there are parallels between their relationship and ours - but (for me) these aren’t the obvious ones. What struck me most was what worked about their relationship are the same things that work in ours. The reason Craig and I got together in the first place was because we were able to make each other laugh. Somehow, along the way, I’d forgotten this - but Craig hasn’t and he’s been missing me.

So many times we’ve discussed how “We’ve changed” as a result of having Dexter. We’ve quite rightly “grown up” and have new “responsibilities” - all the old clichés. I think I took this a million steps too far though and fell into the trap of thinking Craig would be impressed if I was the ‘perfect parent’ and would love me more for it. What I’ve realised is that being a good parent is one thing, but it’s also important to be a good girlfriend. Both need equal amounts of my energy and time.

I always found it a little strange that some mothers blog so candidly about their experience with postnatal depression and their relationships. I couldn’t stand the thought of Dexter ever reading that I was sad, or that his mummy ever ‘struggled’. I grew up in a household blighted by my own mothers depression, and desperately didn’t want Dexter to experience the same thing. My friends and family also read this blog and I honestly believe that some things should remain private. So what’s changed now?

This blog is all about our family; Craig and I are just as much protagonists as Dexter is! I’m just as likely to feel compelled to write about Dexter’s little achievements as I am about ours. This week I smashed the hell out of PND - and that’s a pretty big deal.

I just feel differently about depression now. It doesn’t define me and it’s not like I’ve done something wrong. PND is simply a result of my post-baby hormones and isn’t any more than that. I’m not going to give it anymore thought or attention - I’ve got more important things to do with my life - like play with Dex and Craig.

I don’t have to worry that Dexter won’t understand why I’ve decided to write this post. All he’ll know is that he has a fun-filled house with a mummy and daddy who are human and do their best. There’ll be plenty of stories behind our success as a family - this is simply one of them.

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