Breastfeeding is regarded by almost all as the best bonding experience between a mum and her baby. I’ve also heard dozens of mums talk of an overwhelming sense of pride that they’re able to solely sustain their babies. It all sounds very romantic and most mums will give it a good bash when they first meet their babies - myself included.
What’s more, every week the press will unveil some new benefit attributed to breastfeeding (sometimes spurious and ridiculous, but more often than not promoting the health and well-being of your baby in a way that can’t be ignored) - there was even some talk a few months back about the Government offering financial incentives to breastfeeding mums.
So if it’s that great, why am I this close to giving up?
Firstly there’s the way it makes me feel. I can’t seem to shake the thought that the act itself is primitive and animalistic. I feel like I’ve regressed to a dog or a cow swollen with milk. Adding to the effect, my breasts are large (currently 36H) meaning I’m favouring the rugby ball method with Heidi slung under my armpit on a cloud of pillows. This stops me smothering her with my breast but isn’t discreet and pretty like the pictures in the press. There’s nothing enjoyable about it either. I can’t gently stroke her head whilst she has her fill or she’d cop an elbow in the face! What’s more, it is isn’t really possible in the middle of Costa Coffee!
Add to this that fact I’m sporting a c-section wound that threatens to bust open at any moment, a baby that is yet to work out how to feed efficiently (one feed can take up to two hours), and a milk supply that has somewhat depleted given we had to introduce a few bottles of formula whilst waiting for my milk to come through, and hopefully I’m building a picture of just how much of a struggle this has been so far.
Then there’s the impact on my toddler. As I watch Dexter struggle to come to terms with Heidi joining the family, every cry takes on a heartbreaking quality. He’ll call for Mama and paw at my legs and arms begging me to get on the floor with him and help him with a board puzzle. But no, I’m stuck in the most unnatural position you can think of with Heidi. I also go a little like a zombie when I breastfeed - I find it exhausting so often nod off. A few days ago I awoke to find Dex sitting on the floor of the downstairs loo reading a book in floods of tears. It broke me and I cried the entire day.
The discomfort is made even worse by the fact that my uterus continues to contract when she’s latched on. This is a horrible sensation and brings back flashbacks of the trauma my body went through before I was wheeled through to theatre. Then there’s the obligatory sore nipples. Every latch is excruciatingly painful. I feel stupid even writing this when my nipples are barely cracked but when you’re wobbling over whether to pack it all in or not you look for any excuse to quit - this is just another fat tick in the cons list.
Is it also selfish of me to worry about what state my boobs will be in when this is all over?
All this has led to me seriously questioning whether it’s worth it. I know this might sound melodramatic, unnatural and even shocking to some, but I’m almost resenting Heidi’s insatiability and the sheer amount of time it takes to feed her. I feel so desperately sorry for Dexter and feel like a bad mum to both children. I hate the way it makes me feel about her, and I hate the way that Dexter is left for such long periods of time to entertain himself. Worst of all, I hate myself for even allowing these thoughts to creep on in.
I know I’ll be disappointed with myself if I admit defeat so easily. If Heidi gets more efficient and I make a real effort to wean her off these bottles, this could really work for us when I’m fully healed - it’s certainly easier than faffing around with bottles in the kitchen at 3am! But this doesn’t change the fact that I’ll never be able to recreate our feeding position in public, or be apart from Heidi for any length of time - I can’t ever see myself being able to express with my lowly supply. The only alternative is a complicated combination routine that I simply don’t trust myself to stick to.
I need some advice guys, I really do. Is there a connection between breastfeeding and baby blues? Perhaps this is the problem. I know that Craig is worried now and is keen for me to stop. He’s the one that sees me in tears daily, or irritable with Heidi. He thinks I’m putting too much pressure on myself and he has a point. I suffered quite badly with PND with Dex and do worry that some of the old signs are there again. Surely it’s not natural for me to dread feeding my baby?
I am so sorry to hear you are struggling, your body and mind has been through so much change I think you are being too hard on yourself, only you can make the decision whether you want to stop. I tried one feed breastfeeding and was told clearly by the midwives in hospital to bottle feed straight away, I too had had a C-section and my baby was very large, they felt I wouldn’t be able to sustain him and it was too much pressure, end result a baby that slept through from 6 weeks and has developed into a fantastic little boy, walked at 10 months, talking by 18 months, not being breastfeed has not damaged him in any way. Stop beating yourself up, if you decide to give up you haven’t failed, do what is right for you and your family. x
Thanks Rebecca. Dexter was bottle fed from 6 weeks too and is perfectly health too. I just don’t want to feel like a failure a few months down the line because I had a wobble and threw in the towel. I really hate the way it’s making me feel though - not so much physically (although I won’t deny that I don’t like this either) but emotionally.
Oh hun, I found it hard with my son and that was without having a toddler too.
Like you I had a section but I ended up with blood poisoning and a hernia so it made it a little awkward, could you place cushions on your lap to try feed her in a different position? Have you had her latch checked because of it hurting you? lansinoh is a god send. I ended up expressing and giving my son bottles of milk and then feeding him direct from the breast when I was home and had the energy. 2 hour long feeds is quite normal at this stage as she will be trying to establish your milk supply, I remember those 2 hour long feeds well, especially the ones in the early hours of the morning where I would sit and cry and wish somebody would just feed the baby so I could sleep, I even begged a nurse in the hospital to just give him formula and they refused and that’s how I ended up expressing with an electric pump and it did wonders for my mood although you do still feel a bit like a moo cow hooked up to a milking machine.
You say you are worried about your supply but there are things you can do to help this, check out a website called kellymom. It is full of info that is a real help. This page should offer some advice http://kellymom.com/bf/got-milk/supply-worries/low-supply/ there is also things you can eat/take to help your supply. Drink water to keep rehydrated eat well, eat lots of oats (a great excuse to make cookies, there is a recipe for lactation cookies if you would like it?) and there is domperidone which can be used too to help milk supply.
You are not alone though hun and if after all that you decide that you don’t want to breastfeed anymore, then thats ok, formula isn’t a poison that will harm your baby, its a source of food and sustenance just like breast milk and at the end of it all a happy mummy is worth more than driving yourself into a deep depression and not enjoying being a mum at all.
Thanks hon. I can manage it just fine with a ton of cushions but this is no good for out and about feeds - I tried to feed her in a coffee shop at my supermarket the other day and ended up in floods of tears as I over-exposed myself and Heidi couldn’t breathe. It was soul destroying and embarrassing.
As regards latch-checking and tongue tie - I’m seeing my MW this afternoon so hopefully she can give me some reassurance. I doubt it though as she doesn’t seem like the most sympathetic or proactive woman in the world.
I hadn’t realised 2 hour feeds were the norm when they’re diddy - when do they start to get more efficient?
Lastly, thanks for those links - I’ll definitely sit and have a read tonight. Hopefully with a very small glass of wine and whilst having a cuddle with Craig. God I miss him when he’s at work!
Hi I am a breastfeeding supporter an that who u need to see x two hour feeds an sore nipples are not the norm I had huge boobs too when I fed my boys there are things u can do x if u were close to southend I would help u myself I support in a children’s centre with the nhs
Breastfeeding may not be the only cause for your baby blues but it could definitely be a factor!! Society puts way too much pressure on women with the whole breast is best thing, honestly if formula was that bad how are any babies who aren’t breastfed thriving? My view has always been if both mother and baby are happy then it doesn’t matter how your child is fed, neither option is failure, it is simply coping and doing what works for you. xx
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This is it. It’s hard to argue with the science around some of it but some of the claims are just utter propaganda. I wrote a post ages ago (linked within this one) about a claim that it helps babies go onto to achieve upward class mobility! It’s just ridiculous.
I could have written this post 4 years ago when my youngest was 2 weeks old. I had successfully breastfed his twin siblings (2 years older) for 6 months and had assumed feeding just one baby would be easy in comparison. It wasn’t. We couldn’t do it. Have you had Heidi checked for a tongue tie? When Ben was around 2 weeks old the HV picked up that he had one and it hadn’t been picked up at birth because of the very traumatic time we’d had (emergency c-section when they lost the heartbeat on the trace. I had to go under GA and he was born with an apgar of 3 and needed oxygen). They did the tongue tie snip but it made no difference. I went to all the bf clinics I could but he just couldn’t get it right and I was in agony every time he tried to latch on. I sat and cried through every feed, listening to the twins crying because I couldn’t play with them. In the end a lovely midwife told me to bottle feed. The way she said it really made sense.. she said that while breast is best for baby I also had 2 other children who needed me and I had to think of them as well. She said bottle feeding wasn’t going to do Ben any harm at all and it would help me give me some of my time back to the twins.
I understand the struggle you are going through. Only you can decide what to do for the best. I still regret not being able to feed Ben but I know it was the best decision for us all at the time. I still cry sometimes when I see people finding it so easy when I struggled so much but I look at the happy, healthy 4 year old in front of me and know it didn’t matter how he was fed.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do xxx
Thanks Jo. I agree, it just makes sense to give the time back to Dexter. I have just this second finished an hour and half’s worth of BFing and she’s just sicked it up. So now I’m making her yet another bottle. It seems like such an epic waste of time. Meanwhile my eldest was put to bed at 1.30pm for a nap and has been steadily trashing his room and reading to himself ever since. It’s just not fair.
If you want to continue breastfeeding get yourself some milk collection shells from boots and use one on the other side when you are feeding. I used to get 2-3ozs a time which I’d put in a bottle and add to a couple of times a day at each feed and I’d usually have 8-12ozs at the end of the day that you can use to bottle feed her with. Also try buying some fenugreek capsules (holland and barrett) as they really increase your milk supply. If she is feeding a lot she is probably having a growth spurt and that’s her way of trying to increase your milk supply.
Breast feeding is very hard work but when you get it right it is totally worth it. Only you can decide if you want to continue with it. Don’t let guilt or other people make the decision for you. Have you been in touch with your local sure start. They usually have a Breast feeding group and/or peer supporters who could give you help and advice. - See more at: http://mymillsbaby.co.uk/2014/05/breastfeeding-and-baby-blues/#comment-139847
In practical terms - get some Lansinoh for the nipples.
The positioning will improve as she grows. I had to feed all three of mine rugby style in the inital weeks but soon changed.
Remember that she’s only two weeks old. The after pains WILL stop soon. Your section WILL improve soon. She WILL get quicker at her feeds and Dex WILL get used to her being there.
The first six weeks are the hardest.
Get some support. Speak to your MW, HV, GP - whoever you trust most, whoever you feel able to talk to.
Give yourself time. Give Hedi time and give Dex time. BUT at the end of the day you know best. YOU know what’s best for you and your babies and if that’s formula then that’s fine.
Be kind to yourself Gemma x
Sorry your feeling like this honey, I think things will get easier in a few weeks whichever feeding decision you decide to go with. I felt pretty similar to this when I was in your position with my 2nd. It’s not easy for the first couple of weeks adjusting to a baby and toddler, and when feeding is difficult it just adds to it all! I honestly did dread breastfeeding with my first two (especially my 1st he must have had some wrong latching technique or something it hurt like crazy!) but somehow with my youngest it was okay. Give yourself time and see how you feel but don’t beat yourself up about it.
and congrats, she is beautiful!!! <3
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Hey, tired posting on your latest blog about baby blues but it won’t go through…
it sounds very much like you are at the end of your tether, so big squishy hugs. Ultimately stopping breastfeeding is absolutely your’s and your family’s decision so whatever do not feel guilty about it. My top tips are below but:
Firstly baby blues are 100% normal – right now the most powerful hormone known to man/woman (it made a fricking baby!) is leaving your body – it’s not going to do it quietly and you will feel withdrawal symptoms. Often the tears subside when your post natal bleeding does – if you are still having crying bursts and such please feel no shame in seeking out medical help or event better counciling.
1. the first 6 weeks are the hardest – bubs is establishing how to feed and your supply - post that bubs should be more efficient at feeding – 20 min feeds v. those 2 hour ones – although watch out for the cluster feeds which are also normal. http://kellymom.com/parenting/parenting-faq/fussy-evening/
2. groups are a life saver – breastfeeding groups are ace – you can cry, over expose yourself and your toddler can play with others -(I’ve done all of that) all while you are getting to grips with the right positions for you and baby. The specialists there can also double check the latch to make sure bubs is getting a much milk as possible during each feed – shortening the length of the feed. Midwives and Health Visitors are great too but they just don’s have more than 20 mins for you ever. At a group you can get dedicated specialist advice for as long as you want. I don’t know your area to link you to the groups sorry – but just google breastfeeding groups and your area…
3. night feeds – these are the most tempting to use a bottle for – and whilst this works for some mums, if there is an issue with supply it can have an impact. You say supply is a bit tricky – night feeds are when the hormones are at their strongest and the milk is at its richest – might mean you get a lie in the morning or some one on one time with your toddler. If you want to mix feed perhaps consider using the bottle at a time during the day - perhaps after your toddler naps so when he wakes you have an hour one to one. http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/pages/breastfeeding-first-days.aspx
4. breastfeeding friendly – Costa Coffee is great but you don’t have to be up and about in that world as early as 2 weeks – no matter what a fantastic amazing wonder woman you are. Do you know some cultures dictate mums are confined to the house for up to 40 days! I’m not saying stay home – I know I would have gone mad but sometimes, grabbing a coffee and then sitting in a quiet corner of the library with your toddler, or a specific toddler group where they don’t care if you’re feeding is a better way to get used to feeding out and about. Perhaps local mums have some tips for good places to go in your area – where if you accidentally over expose yourself – no one cares.
5. a sling – for second time mums a sling is another life safer – especially if you have an active toddler and demanding bubs. You’ll wonder how you ever coped without it. http://www.babywearing.co.uk/sling-meet/
Ultimately to breastfeed or not is absolutely your decision – there is no right or wrong as long as you are happy but consider some support in the forms of groups and other local mums tips on child/feeding friendly places to go. I hope you reach your goals and feel peace with whatever you choose. Sounds like you are a lovely lovely mum, who has your family right in the centre of your heart. Best wishes xxxx
Also try googling some activity tips for toddlers while breastfeeding. I found these:
http://everydaylife.globalpost.com/activities-toddlers-mom-breastfeeding-baby-4004.html
http://www.babywhispererforums.com/index.php?topic=67026.0
http://www.parkslopeparents.com/Breastfeeding/what-to-do-with-a-young-toddler-while-breastfeeding-newborn.html
I struggled a lot feeding Sienna too and used to dread feeding her because of the pain, I started not wanting to hold her and wasn’t bonding with her and that made e hate myself. I went onto formula and since that day we have been so much better and are now best friends! I can’t tell you how relived I was when I gave her that first bottle of formula! I don’t regret it either because I know it was the right choice, you know deep down what the right choice is.. good luck xx
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** ANON COMMENT ** I received so many encouraging emails as a result of writing this post. Many were from readers who were unable to leave a comment due to a technical issue, but some of you were just stopping by and later felt compelled to reach out to me personally. I’ve also had dozens of you contact me privately as you are feeling the same way that I am. I’ve decided to share some of these emails anonymously (with permission) so that this post will be a helpful resource for those of you in the same boat. Gemma
“I just wanted to say I feel your pain but it doesn’t matter what anyone else says you must do what is right for you, because ultimately if it’s right for you then it is right for the whole family. Out of my four children I only managed to breastfeed one for six months, one for two days and the other two not at all! Three are now grown kids and one is 5 they are all happy and healthy and if I stood them all in a row you would not be able to tell which ones were bottle and which ones were breast!
I hope you are ok, babyblues are rotten and even more so when it’s your second because I think it comes as more of a shock - because you think you should be able to handle it more as you have done it before but it really doesn’t work like that. Keep strong and try to enjoy your time with your family as that is what is most important”
Anon recently posted…GIVEAWAY - Win a Unique Baby Gift Box from UK Baby Box (CD: 09/06/2014)
** ANON COMMENT ** I received so many encouraging emails as a result of writing this post. Many were from readers who were unable to leave a comment due to a technical issue, but some of you were just stopping by and later felt compelled to reach out to me personally. I’ve also had dozens of you contact me privately as you are feeling the same way that I am. I’ve decided to share some of these emails anonymously (with permission) so that this post will be a helpful resource for those of you in the same boat. Gemma
Hi there, I really feel for you as you’ve described much of what I felt like in those early days - worry that there’s not enough milk, latching problems that made it impossible to feed discretely in public, sore nipples, having to use a complex arrangement of pillows to get the right position that helped baby whilst not hurting my c-section wound. It was so much harder than I expected and took so much energy and effort from me. What got me through was the advice from my midwife that it takes at least six weeks to establish breastfeeding. Yep, you read that right, SIX weeks. And she was right.
After initially wondering how on earth I would cope with it, after about eight weeks, the baby gets the hang of what’s going on and starts latching themselves, positioning becomes more natural, your breasts decrease in size gradually so they’re easier to manage and the leakiness eases up, your supply evens out, and before you know it instead of being stuck on the sofa for hours you’re worrying about whether they’ve possibly had enough to eat during their super efficient ten minute feed. I had to feed rugby style too at first, but that phase didn’t last long and now he can do it from all and every angle! Breastfeeding my son was really difficult at first but it’s now so easy and relaxed and the moments between us when he’s feeding are some of my favourite times of each day, it’s really precious to me.
Of course you may decide it’s not right for you but I thought it might help you - as it did me - to know that it takes time for it to settle down and to see if it’s right. Perhaps setting a short term, manageable goal might make it seem less of a mountain to climb and if you really don’t want to stop, keeps the option open of keeping going a little bit longer without it necessarily being forever. Set yourself some bite size goals, see if you can make it through the next few days, to four weeks, six weeks, eight weeks and I’m sure you’ll see some big changes.
My other piece of advice is to see a specialist, qualified lactation consultant. Midwives and health visitors aren’t always experts on breastfeeding (though they’ll say they are), but a proper certified lactation consultant will be able to help with latching, positioning, supply issues and a whole host of other feeding advice. And if the first one you see isn’t helpful, see another! Each baby is different, but two hours feeding sounds quite long to me so it’s worth checking out whether there are problems such as tongue tie to resolve. You’re doing a fantastic job for your baby and giving them the very best start in life - whatever you choose to do next, whatever feeding method you use going forwards, you will still be the very best mum in the world to them.
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From one big boobed marathon feeding mummy of two to another, I hear you. I get
it. I really do. I know the frustration of trying to position a baby so she
doesn’t suffocate and simultaneously entertain a preschooler while the world
watches on. I’m going to give you some tips, you don’t have to take them but
they might help!
It’s worth persevering. We’re 5 months in and feeds are now 5-10minutes with no
prep or washing up and sterilizing (unless I’m expressing).
Breastfeeding is a supply and demand thing. You are never completely out of
milk. So if she sicks it up (and if she’s sicking it all have you considered
reflux?) pop her back on. It’ll only help your supply in the long term.
Sickiness can also be linked to posterior tongue tie and that plus sore nips
plus very long feeds sounds really familiar. The sooner you can get tongue tie
divided the better.
Roll a muslin (or three) up and wedge it under your boob to raise it slightly.
Your nips will probably point out rather than down and it makes cradle hold -
and therefore public feeding - achievable. Also enlist friendly old ladies to
help entertain the preschooler. They’re mostly supportive of BFing and like
children.
Google the deep latch technique to combat sore nips. With big boobs the
temptation can be to hold your baby too low which not only gives you backache
but also means they’re pulling. If you’re at home then laid back nursing can
really help (days she feeding in a semi-recline positions she types).
As for Dexter do you think you could read stories while feeding? I loved having
my son snuggled on one side of me on the sofa holding the book and turning the
pages. Alternatively a special box of toys for during feeds, or even (gasp) TV.
It won’t last forever and it’s easy to blame normal sibling envy on
breastfeeding jealousy. Another thing I found helpful was making sure he could
do stuff at my height. It broke my heart feeling like I was neglecting him and I
had good support from family the first month or so to play with him but it did
get better.
Do you have access to a breastfeeding counsellor or peer supporter? They might
be able to come and see you and work out good positions for you to feed in.
So sorry to read you are having such a rough time. I too really struggled with breastfeeding with my older daughter. Feeds took over an hour every 2 hrs. My daughter regularly vomited up her feeds and I had to start again (your boobs will just adapt and make more milk). She never seemed satisfied or settled and her weight gain was only just about ok meaning I felt hounded by endless health visitor check ups. I had had numerous midwives and health visitors see me they all just said he latch was fine and it would get easier.
I remember crying down the phone to my sister that breastfeeding was ruining my life and her begging me to stop and give formula. Unlike you I didn’t feel pressure from society but I didn’t want to quit… I really wanted to breastfeed and I’m just plain stubborn!
At 6 weeks I really felt I was at the end but thought I’d try pumping for bottles instead but when I contacted the NCT to hire a pump they said they’d loan it to me but what they thought I really needed was high quality expert breastfeeding advice and a proper tongue tie assessment and pointed me in the direction of a great lactation consultant. We saw her and instantly feeds took half the time and it just got easier and easier after that.
I ended up feeding my daughter until she was 2 and ended up loving it as much as she did. Now I’m breastfeeding my new baby, now 9 weeks old. This time I was better prepared. .. Jad the lactation consultant lined up to visit soon after we got home from hospital… I was in pain and getting mastitis. My new daughter had a tongue tie and it was snipped at 7 days old and we haven’t looked back.
It is hard looking after another one too (my eldest is 3) but I try to remember nature intended us to breastfeed so it cant be damaging for the eldest to now have to wait for you a bit in the long run. High quality advice gives you real choice to make your mind up what you really want to do. Every feed taking 2hrs is a sign of a problem, as is vomiting feeds on a regular basis and having such sore nipples. I’d really recommend seeing an expert before you quit… then if you still decide it isn’t for you you have made a real choice…. not been pushed into a decision because of circumstance. Good luck and remember you are a great mummy to your children however they are fed.
I’m so sorry you are feeling like this, it’s so hard recovering from a section and looking after the baby and having a lively toddler too! You really need to ask for help. If hubby can’t take some more time off work then could a grandparent help? Or a friend with children?
I was in the same situation with my second son but was sofa-bound so I really couldn’t move! Hubby took over all household duties for a month and friends took it in turns to come and help when he had to work.
You certainly shouldn’t be attempting a supermarket shop! It’s what home delivery is for LOL.
Society places far too much emphasis on “bouncing back”, getting your life back to “normal” etc.
Please, be kind to yourself and your body, get some help.
BTW there are plenty of studies that show BF actually lessens the likeliehood of getting PND but like everything it is not a given so if you feel the first signs of PND coming, don’t blame your attempts to BF, blame the lack of support you are currently getting and GET SOME HELP. (((hugs)))
Wow. It sounds like you really are having a really rough start. In my NCT class they said that if you had suffered depression you were more likely to get postnatal depression and if you had PND once you had a bigger chance of getting it again. If you are recognising the signs of PND please tell your midwife she should be able to offer you support and help you access services you might need.
In terms of feeding baby midwives sometimes don;t have high levels of training particularly with difficult/problem feeding contacting NCT, ABM, LLL and seeing a specialist in breastfeeding might give you some better positions.
Also have look to see if there is a Babycafe or breastfeeding cafe near you. They will have a counselor and will be totally used to seeing boobs akimbo. Also a local children’s centre or Surestart Centre should have playgroups you can attend with HV in attendance to give you support if you are finding feeding in public tricky. I found a blow up feeding pillow in boots quite handy for out and about.
Also remember each breastfeed you have given your daughter is an amazing achievement. Every single one. You should feel proud for all that you have achieved so far. Please be kind to yourself.
Firstly BIG virtual hugs, the transition from 1 to 2 is hard by itself (ie the feelings of trying to best meet everyone’s needs) and it takes time to adjust - without everything else you’re going through. It sounds like you had a stressful delivery that you all need to heal from too, throw in painful breastfeeding on top and it’s no surprise you’re feeling overwhelmed. Babies feed so many times per day that if it’s painful and taking a long time - that in itself can absolutely be a cause of stress. I always say if your husband came and popped some nipple clamps on you umpteen times per day, soon, much as you love him you would be looking for a way out of the situation!
I could tell you “not to feel guilty” if you stop - and try and downplay bf . But ultimately you don’t need mine or any other “virtual” person to give you permission. It’s something for you and your family to decide. Long-term, other peoples assurances don’t help - and weeks down the line when the pain has stopped and everything has moved on, the empty assurances bf wasn’t actually important really don’t help. Some mothers who wanted to bf grieve long and hard for the loss of their bf relationship, I’ve seen it in grandmothers - and so I think a far more pertinent question is: if the pain stopped and feeding became easy, would you still want to stop?
Pain isn’t measured on visible trauma - I see mums with barely any nipple tops who feel only minimal pain, and mums without a break in the skin who are experiencing agony. If baby is clamping and disturbing the blood supply to the nipple the pain can be intense, and even continue after a feed running back into the shoulders and upper back. This is also likely to lead to loooooong feeds, as the milk transfer is compromised - so the difference between turning a hose pipe on and watering your garden, or standing on it to limit how much comes out. One waters the garden in minutes, whilst the other could take hours.
If baby makes an effective seal, even mums with extremely large breasts can be helped to find more subtle feeding positions when out and about - sometimes using a sling or wrap. In the picture at least your baby doesn’t look very well latched to the bottle either (unless she’s finished and has nodded off/let go before you took pic?) There is no seal (clear gaps at the side) and her top lip is curled under showing us she appears to be using her lips to grip and hang on to the bottle). Longterm even if bottle feeding as volumes increase this could lead to colic/wind/reflux - feeding issues don’t only cause pain but can lead to gastric disturbance too,
If the midwives cannot help you, ask if the hospital has an infant feeding adviser or infant feeding co-coordinator (they often do but don’t always get mentioned). If that doesn’t work try the breastfeeding helplines or hunt down someone who is an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant. If you can establish the root cause, you can look at how it could be resolved and whether that’s something you want to do - if not at you decide to stop anyway, sometimes knowing it was not something you were doing wrong can really help mums to make peace. So much community support resolves around mums positioning baby right, latching baby right, eating the wrong foods etc etc etc. Sometimes the babies just can’t suck well - regardless of what mum does!
AA
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I am so sorry you are feeling like this. I found the first few weeks of breastfeeding incredibly difficult. I found it painful, tiring and my mood sank so low. It was one of the most difficult things I have done in my life.
Although my midwives tried to help, the best advice I got was from my local breastfeeding support groups. Do you have a local group you could phone or visit? They will usually come to your house. Also, the kellymom website that Danielle suggested has a lot of useful information.
In my experience, with every week that passes, things get easier. However, I found it difficult and I had nothing else to do. Nothing. I have no other children and no other responsibilities - so I was able to dedicate every waking minute to the task. If I had a toddler to look after I would not have been able to do it.
Only you can decide what to do, but I think you have to look after yourself. If breastfeeding is affecting your mood and that of your family, you shouldn’t feel that you have to continue. You don’t want to be trapped in your house all the time or miss having fun with Dexter. Of course there are some benefits to breastfeeding, but there are benefits to formula too.
It sounds like you are doing amazingly - I think everyone worries whether they are doing the right thing and every decision we make comes with some guilt (even though it shouldn’t). I really hope things get easier for you soon x x x
This breast feeding thing is tricky. I have two children - a 4yo who was not breastfed, I tried and tried, and cried and cried, I seriously felt that I would be failing my baby by giving him a bottle, as a result he was so severely dehydrated he was hospitalised at 3 days and ended up catching an infection. It was awful, I wish I’d given him a bottle. However, when my 2 yo was born I was determined to breastfed her, I’d felt like such a failure with my little boy. She latched on fine at first, no problem, but then she was feeding for two hours at a time, as a result my nipples ended up extremely cracked, I developed a severe case of mastitis (twice) and despite initially retaining her weight and not losing she started to lose weight and I was told to give her formula. So we ended up mixed feeding, for 6 months I breast fed her morning and night, and I formula fed her in the day. I felt this was much better for us as a family, my 2 yo was not waiting for he to finish feeding and I looked forward to, rather than dreaded her waking up and feeding. To be honest, I don’t think she ever got much breast milk from me, I’m sure I had supply problems, I tried herbal stuff (milk thistle and something that made me sweat a horrible smell, I was so desperate a gp even prescribed me domperedon, but nothing worked. I never leaked milk so it made me decide I just had a low supply and it was actually the formula that she benefited from. I now have a healthy 4yo and a healthy 2yo. I felt my mental health was suffering as a result of the pressure I was putting on myself to ‘do the right thing’, but once I’d made up my mind to bottle feed with my first, and then combination feed with my second, I felt much, much better.
It sounds like there is a lot going on here, recovering from a traumatic emergency section, trying to learn how to mother two young children at once, trying to make sure baby is latched on properly not to mention trying to field the worry and advice from other people.
Good luck x
First of all well done for getting this far, you are doing great and two weeks in is a bit soon to be writing off your abilities as a mum. But you are not alone. It does feel very overwhelming when you are filled with just-given-birth hormones, recovering from the baby’s arrival, getting to know your new little person and learning to get the feeding sorted. You aren’t mad or a failure for finding it hard.
First things first, get as much rest as you can - you’ve just had a major operation, you need to heal, eat well, remain hydrated and rest. I know its easier said than done, but outsource, delegate, ask for and accept help.
Second get all the breastfeeding support you can - particularly in person with someone who really knows about all the challenges that can make feeding more challenging (e.g. tongue-tie can mean that the baby needs to have long feeds and can make things painful for you). Its not your fault that its hard. Many women find it hard to begin with but for most women who continue the hard is a temporary phase while they and their baby learn how to feed efficiently and comfortably. You can do this.
A lot of the hard stuff will get better with time - the after pains won’t be forever, the scar will heal, and you can get help with the pain from feeding and getting baby to feed efficiently. You won’t always have to feed in the rugby hold, and your milk production will calm down. So take things one feed at a time. You don’t need to give up breastfeeding if you use a bottle or two (though cup feeding the non breastfed feeds might help avoid baby preferring bottles if you don’t want to exclusively bottle feed). You can just breastfeed the next feed, so try not to get into all or nothing thinking about it, that’s such a stressful thing to do.
Mood. I found that I felt more emotional, anxious and stressed if my breasts were full because he’d gone longer between feeds. After he had fed I’d feel really good and calm. This effect calms down once your body adjusts to the amount of milk your baby is demanding - it kind of goes over the top in those first weeks just in case you had twins to feed. But it settles down as the engorgement does.
I think its not unusual to feel the way you do after a baby, particularly when you have another child to take care of. You are being a great mum to both your children, these first few weeks were always going to be tough and you still have a needy newborn needing lots of your attention even if you do switch to mainly or totally bottle feeding.
If your negative feelings persist, do speak to your HV. Although when breastfeeding is going well it is protective against PND, it doesn’t prevent it. And when its not going well, its not a surprise that its a hugely stressful thing added to all the other stressful things.
Also, if the negative feelings are directly related to when you start feeding her then you might find this informative http://kellymom.com/bf/concerns/mother/d-mer/
I hope you can enjoy your newborn girl soon, regardless of how you decide to feed her - bottles, breast or a combination.
p.s. I spent the first while of my son’s life having to be precise about positioning, him having long feeds and wondering how I’d manage to feed without my fortress of cushions. But as baby gets bigger, has more head control and is less reliant on you to make every move as they learn what they are doing, gradually you can be more relaxed about feeding. Its strange thinking back to those early weeks which were such a struggle when I now have a toddler who seems to be able to breastfeed in every position possible!
You have gotten a lot of supportive comments, and unfortunately it sounds like you haven’t had much real in-person support, at least not from any professionals who know much about breastfeeding issues. Of course if your baby is taking 2 hours to feed there is something wrong, but the answer is not to give a bottle — it will make any latch issues worse and will make your supply go down. What needs to happen is baby needs to be given the support to learn how to nurse. That may mean baby needs a tongue and/or lip tie to be released (clipped), you may need to try some better positioning (do you have a Boppy?), and maybe baby needs to be examined for low muscle tone issues. Larger breasted women often need to put baby lower down than smaller breasted women, like around the waist area. Any supplementing should be at the breast, or if that isn’t working, with a cup not a bottle, and you should be pumping when you supplement and hopefully supplement with your own milk. But supplementation, even with your own or donor milk, should not be a long-term solution unless your baby has serious anatomical issues. Your health visitor obviously is not trained to deal with breastfeeding issues — you have been given a bunch of booby traps.
Here are some links that might be helpful:
https://www.bestforbabes.org/what-are-the-booby-traps/
http://www.lcgb.org/
http://www.ilca.org/i4a/pages/index.cfm?pageid=3337
http://www.nbci.ca/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=25:lactation-aid&catid=5:information&Itemid=17
http://www.nbci.ca/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=23:is-my-baby-getting-enough-milk&catid=5:information&Itemid=17
http://www.cwgenna.com/ttidentify.html
http://www.lalecheleague.org/
For one mother feeding every three hours or so may be often; for another, three hours or so may be a long period between feeds. For one, a feeding that lasts for 30 minutes is a long feeding; for another, it is a short one. There are no rules how often or for how long a baby should breastfeed. It is not true that the baby gets 90% of the feed in the first 10 minutes. Let the baby determine when he is ready for feeding and things usually come right, if the baby is sucking and drinking at the breast and having at least two to three substantial yellow bowel movements each day. Remember, a baby may be on the breast for two hours, but if he is actually feeding or drinking (open wide > pause > close mouth type of sucking) for only two minutes, he will likely come off the breast hungry. If the baby falls asleep quickly at the breast, you can compress the breast to continue the flow of milk (see the information sheet Breast Compression). Contact the breastfeeding clinic with any concerns, but wait to start supplementing. If supplementation is truly necessary, there are ways of supplementing which do not use an artificial nipple (see the information sheet Lactation Aid).
Weaning can actually trigger postpartum depression, just so you know. You might be malnourished, you might just need a bit of help with organizing your day and fining more fun things for your two year old to do.
Some useful resources:
Information and support to mothers who are experiencing low milk production and the healthcare providers who help them: http://www.lowmilksupply.org/frenotomy.shtml
Also, there are a ton of breastfeeding support groups on facebook and the internet in general, with mamas who have overcome difficulties such as yours. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Here are a couple I found: http://boobiemilk.blogspot.co.uk/2012/02/breastfeeding-support-groups.html, https://www.facebook.com/birthingandbreastfeeding, https://www.facebook.com/Mom2MomBreastfeedingCampaign
Is my baby getting enough milk - this might help… http://www.nbci.ca/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=23:is-my-baby-getting-enough-milk&catid=5:information&Itemid=17
The following are NOT good ways of judging whether baby is getting enough milk
The baby cries after feeding. Although babies sometimes cry after feedings because of hunger, there are also other reasons for crying. See also the information sheet Colic in the Breastfeeding Baby. Do not limit feeding times. “Finish” the first side before offering the other. Remember, play detective and watch baby’s chin—this will tell you if baby has been actually feeding or just going through the motions!
The baby feeds often and/or for a long time. For one mother feeding every three hours or so may be often; for another, three hours or so may be a long period between feeds. For one, a feeding that lasts for 30 minutes is a long feeding; for another, it is a short one. There are no rules how often or for how long a baby should breastfeed. It is not true that the baby gets 90% of the feed in the first 10 minutes. Let the baby determine when he is ready for feeding and things usually come right, if the baby is sucking and drinking at the breast and having at least two to three substantial yellow bowel movements each day. Remember, a baby may be on the breast for two hours, but if he is actually feeding or drinking (open wide > pause > close mouth type of sucking) for only two minutes, he will likely come off the breast hungry. If the baby falls asleep quickly at the breast, you can compress the breast to continue the flow of milk (see the information sheet Breast Compression). Contact the breastfeeding clinic with any concerns, but wait to start supplementing. If supplementation is truly necessary, there are ways of supplementing which do not use an artificial nipple (see the information sheet Lactation Aid).
The baby will take a bottle after feeding. This does not necessarily mean that the baby is still hungry, and using this ‘test’ is not a good idea, as bottles may interfere with breastfeeding. Babies will often take more liquid from a bottle even if they are already full.
The five week old is suddenly pulling away from the breast but still seems hungry. This does not mean your milk has “dried up” or decreased. During the first few weeks of life, babies often fall asleep at the breast when the flow of milk slows down even if they have not had their fill. When they are older (four to six weeks of age), they may no longer fall asleep but rather start to pull away or get upset. The milk supply has not changed; the baby has changed. Get the best latch possible and use compression to help you increase flow to the baby
Also diet is important: http://www.makingmoremilk.com/
I just wanted to say that I’m sorry you’re going through this. Whatever you decide you shouldn’t beat yourself up about it - you’re doing an amazing job after all you went through and it can’t be easy with 2. I’ve got all that to come in the Autumn.
I do think there could be a link with the baby blues - after all the worrying and discomfort, it has to take its toll. I had a really difficult time with breastfeeding for various reasons. Within the first week we decided to switch to formula. I was so worried about A not latching on and being so dehydrated and I realised that I was not enjoying it and the baby was so unhappy. I expressed for three weeks and we did a mixture. You can read more about my story here if it helps anyway.
http://www.bloomingboo.com/2013/09/my-breastfeeding-nightmare.html
What I’m trying to say is that this is such a special time for you and if there is anything you can do to make it easier for yourself - don’t feel guilty about making that decision. And don’t let any of the breastfeeding army make you feel guilty either!
If you need a rant or anything at all, give me a shout.
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I had very similar feelings with my first & second baby. When I look back at worrying that I could only feed lying down and you couldn’t do that out in town I wish I could have told myself that a big part is down to the baby learning and once they’ve got the knack things are so much easier. I used to cry about not managing the classic cradle hold, it got better after I decided I would have two attempts at a different position and then rather than burst into tears just go with what worked.
The first step (and a big one) towards being a good mum is caring about how good you are. It sounds like you’re under a lot of pressure, yes your first child won’t get as much attention as they were used to and your second will never have what the first did but they will get lovely times of playing together in the future and an early understanding of sharing. Can someone take your toddler for a treat day of maximum attention and fun so that you can spend the day resting and enjoying your newborn.
I think mine did sometimes feed for 2hours or so but only at the beginning and sometimes they had finished feeding and just enjoyed the comfort so I could take them off. Are you giving bottles of formula too? It is unfortunately a cycle that if they are “missing” a breastfeed by having formula then your body won’t make as much. If you do supplement with formula could you give it in a syringe rather than a bottle so she doesn’t get confused and then find the breastfeeding difficult to go back to?
Most of all good luck whether you breastfeed or not. I have had pnd myself despite being brilliant at bfing by then and know of women who couldn’t or chose not to BF that also had it, I think it’s much more about your whole situation and how that matches up to your expectations (with a good dose of hormones thrown in). Get some more support, maybe some discreet feeding tops and try not to worry about doing the right thing (cos there isn’t really a “right thing” to do).
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