A week ago I posted about my struggles with breastfeeding Heidi. I was in a pretty bad place when I wrote it; tired, emotional and I still had a post-op hangover to contend with too. The post was a bit of a cry-for-help and I received so much advice from fellow bloggers, friends and complete strangers that I thought I’d post a quick follow-up to let everyone know I’m okay, and just how Heidi and I have decided to move forward.
The gist of the post was that I was finding positioning virtually impossible with a c-section wound and large boobs. I also wasn’t enjoying the ‘act’ of breastfeeding itself and felt a bit like a milk-cow. Being so diddy, Heidi was also only just working out to feed efficiently so would take up to two hours per feed which was difficult on Dexter. It was bad enough adjusting to having to share me with his sister, let alone having me held captive on the sofa. He wasn’t violent, but he did seem really heartbroken that I was dedicating so much time to Heidi and he was left to play independently for such long periods. The whole thing made me dread feeding times and Craig would see me crying daily and getting irritable with Heidi in a way that a new mummy should never be. 
After a nightfeed Heidi will steal my pillow
So my first instinct was to pack it all in. This is what I eventually did with Dex (approx 6 weeks in). I didn’t miss the experience at all and Dexter is a healthy and happy little guy - so I didn’t worry about giving up from a health stance. In fact, the only thing that stopped me was the fact that Heidi is likely to be my last baby - I wanted to at least give it a chance.
Never-the-less, I still thought it was affecting my relationship with Heidi. It’s not right to resent your newborn, and it’s not right to sit there in floods of tears every time she cries out for nourishment. I still don’t think we’ve crossed this bridge entirely but I have made it halfway across. I love my little girl, but I’m still finding it hard. Right now, I’m not clear whether this is the usual 6 week haze every new mum feels, or something a little more worrying. I’ve decided to stay positive about this for now and maybe book a GP appointment for a PND assessment at a later date.
As regards feeding, Heidi is now combination fed. She is exclusively breastfeed at night and somehow we’ve managed to find a laying down position (of sorts) which means she’s co-sleeping beside me after her nightfeed. It’s not ideal as I worry about having her in bed beside me, but moving her back to her crib is impossible as her sleep is so light. I’m definitely finding that breastmilk is the quickest way to send her to sleep, but that sleep is short-lived.
Throughout the day, she’ll still have boob-time before her bottles where possible. It works really well and I’m feeling far less irritable. I actually think I’m probably breastfeeding more now than I was before, but I’m feeling less pressure to be the sole provider of milk. If I’m too tired, I don’t have to do it. This realisation is a new one, and one I’m happily embracing.
My only concern now is that Heidi seems to have a poorly tummy after her formula feeds. She winds easily but seems to find it really difficult to poop. When she does manage it, she cries out in pain. I’m completely clued up on colic but I don’t think this is it. Perhaps the formula isn’t agreeing with her, or maybe our sterilsation isn’t as thorough as we thought. It’s something I’ll be keeping an eye on and raising with the GP.
They’re slowly beginning to bond
I can still sit there for up to 2 hours with Heidi but these long feeds are becoming less frequent. I think this is a combination of Heidi becoming more efficient, and my being less stiff and more relaxed. She may still need a top-up after nursing, but as least Heidi has had the benefit of me before she’s given her bottle. It also means my milk won’t dry up so all options are left open.
I’ve decided not to see a lactation consultant (despite initially booking a meeting). I know Heidi’s latch could be better and perhaps there is a tiny bit of tongue-tie, but she seems to be coping never-the-less and I’d rather she didn’t undergo an unnecessary procedure. I’m also fed up of appointments now and would rather just get on with it. When Heidi gets a little stronger, and my boobs level out a bit, hopefully we’ll be able to maneuver ourselves into more comfortable positions.
Feeding away from home continues to be a problem. On these days she’ll be given formula or we’ll try to express in advance. I just don’t feel comfortable breastfeeding when I’m out and about so I don’t want to stress myself out over it. It’s very rare that we’ll be out for an entire day anyway so it’s not something I’ve had to think too deeply about yet. I guess I’ll just cross that bridge when it comes to it.
So thanks everyone, I’m so grateful for all your help and support and will continue to keep you updated.
