Breastfeeding After A C Section

A week ago I posted about my struggles with breastfeeding Heidi. I was in a pretty bad place when I wrote it; tired, emotional and I still had a post-op hangover to contend with too. The post was a bit of a cry-for-help and I received so much advice from fellow bloggers, friends and complete strangers that I thought I’d post a quick follow-up to let everyone know I’m okay, and just how Heidi and I have decided to move forward.

The gist of the post was that I was finding positioning virtually impossible with a c-section wound and large boobs. I also wasn’t enjoying the ‘act’ of breastfeeding itself and felt a bit like a milk-cow. Being so diddy, Heidi was also only just working out to feed efficiently so would take up to two hours per feed which was difficult on Dexter. It was bad enough adjusting to having to share me with his sister, let alone having me held captive on the sofa. He wasn’t violent, but he did seem really heartbroken that I was dedicating so much time to Heidi and he was left to play independently for such long periods. The whole thing made me dread feeding times and Craig would see me crying daily and getting irritable with Heidi in a way that a new mummy should never be. 10325541 10152066347927190 8205445067148453103 n Breastfeeding Part 2 Did I Give Up?

After a nightfeed Heidi will steal my pillow

So my first instinct was to pack it all in. This is what I eventually did with Dex (approx 6 weeks in). I didn’t miss the experience at all and Dexter is a healthy and happy little guy - so I didn’t worry about giving up from a health stance. In fact, the only thing that stopped me was the fact that Heidi is likely to be my last baby - I wanted to at least give it a chance.

Never-the-less, I still thought it was affecting my relationship with Heidi. It’s not right to resent your newborn, and it’s not right to sit there in floods of tears every time she cries out for nourishment. I still don’t think we’ve crossed this bridge entirely but I have made it halfway across. I love my little girl, but I’m still finding it hard. Right now, I’m not clear whether this is the usual 6 week haze every new mum feels, or something a little more worrying. I’ve decided to stay positive about this for now and maybe book a GP appointment for a PND assessment at a later date.

As regards feeding, Heidi is now combination fed. She is exclusively breastfeed at night and somehow we’ve managed to find a laying down position (of sorts) which means she’s co-sleeping beside me after her nightfeed. It’s not ideal as I worry about having her in bed beside me, but moving her back to her crib is impossible as her sleep is so light. I’m definitely finding that breastmilk is the quickest way to send her to sleep, but that sleep is short-lived.

Throughout the day, she’ll still have boob-time before her bottles where possible. It works really well and I’m feeling far less irritable. I actually think I’m probably breastfeeding more now than I was before, but I’m feeling less pressure to be the sole provider of milk. If I’m too tired, I don’t have to do it. This realisation is a new one, and one I’m happily embracing.

My only concern now is that Heidi seems to have a poorly tummy after her formula feeds. She winds easily but seems to find it really difficult to poop. When she does manage it, she cries out in pain. I’m completely clued up on colic but I don’t think this is it. Perhaps the formula isn’t agreeing with her, or maybe our sterilsation isn’t as thorough as we thought. It’s something I’ll be keeping an eye on and raising with the GP.

Dex and Heidi Breastfeeding Part 2 Did I Give Up?

They’re slowly beginning to bond

I can still sit there for up to 2 hours with Heidi but these long feeds are becoming less frequent. I think this is a combination of Heidi becoming more efficient, and my being less stiff and more relaxed. She may still need a top-up after nursing, but as least Heidi has had the benefit of me before she’s given her bottle. It also means my milk won’t dry up so all options are left open.

I’ve decided not to see a lactation consultant (despite initially booking a meeting). I know Heidi’s latch could be better and perhaps there is a tiny bit of tongue-tie, but she seems to be coping never-the-less and I’d rather she didn’t undergo an unnecessary procedure. I’m also fed up of appointments now and would rather just get on with it. When Heidi gets a little stronger, and my boobs level out a bit, hopefully we’ll be able to maneuver ourselves into more comfortable positions.

Feeding away from home continues to be a problem. On these days she’ll be given formula or we’ll try to express in advance. I just don’t feel comfortable breastfeeding when I’m out and about so I don’t want to stress myself out over it. It’s very rare that we’ll be out for an entire day anyway so it’s not something I’ve had to think too deeply about yet. I guess I’ll just cross that bridge when it comes to it.

So thanks everyone, I’m so grateful for all your help and support and will continue to keep you updated.

Breastfeeding is regarded by almost all as the best bonding experience between a mum and her baby. I’ve also heard dozens of mums talk of an overwhelming sense of pride that they’re able to solely sustain their babies. It all sounds very romantic and most mums will give it a good bash when they first meet their babies - myself included.

What’s more, every week the press will unveil some new benefit attributed to breastfeeding (sometimes spurious and ridiculous, but more often than not promoting the health and well-being of your baby in a way that can’t be ignored) - there was even some talk a few months back about the Government offering financial incentives to breastfeeding mums.

So if it’s that great, why am I this close to giving up?

Firstly there’s the way it makes me feel. I can’t seem to shake the thought that the act itself is primitive and animalistic. I feel like I’ve regressed to a dog or a cow swollen with milk. Adding to the effect, my breasts are large (currently 36H) meaning I’m favouring the rugby ball method with Heidi slung under my armpit on a cloud of pillows. This stops me smothering her with my breast but isn’t discreet and pretty like the pictures in the press. There’s nothing enjoyable about it either. I can’t gently stroke her head whilst she has her fill or she’d cop an elbow in the face! What’s more, it is isn’t really possible in the middle of Costa Coffee!

Add to this that fact I’m sporting a c-section wound that threatens to bust open at any moment, a baby that is yet to work out how to feed efficiently (one feed can take up to two hours), and a milk supply that has somewhat depleted given we had to introduce a few bottles of formula whilst waiting for my milk to come through, and hopefully I’m building a picture of just how much of a struggle this has been so far.

Then there’s the impact on my toddler. As I watch Dexter struggle to come to terms with Heidi joining the family, every cry takes on a heartbreaking quality. He’ll call for Mama and paw at my legs and arms begging me to get on the floor with him and help him with a board puzzle. But no, I’m stuck in the most unnatural position you can think of with Heidi. I also go a little like a zombie when I breastfeed - I find it exhausting so often nod off. A few days ago I awoke to find Dex sitting on the floor of the downstairs loo reading a book in floods of tears. It broke me and I cried the entire day.

The discomfort is made even worse by the fact that my uterus continues to contract when she’s latched on. This is a horrible sensation and brings back flashbacks of the trauma my body went through before I was wheeled through to theatre. Then there’s the obligatory sore nipples. Every latch is excruciatingly painful. I feel stupid even writing this when my nipples are barely cracked but when you’re wobbling over whether to pack it all in or not you look for any excuse to quit - this is just another fat tick in the cons list.

Is it also selfish of me to worry about what state my boobs will be in when this is all over?

All this has led to me seriously questioning whether it’s worth it. I know this might sound melodramatic, unnatural and even shocking to some, but I’m almost resenting Heidi’s insatiability and the sheer amount of time it takes to feed her. I feel so desperately sorry for Dexter and feel like a bad mum to both children. I hate the way it makes me feel about her, and I hate the way that Dexter is left for such long periods of time to entertain himself. Worst of all, I hate myself for even allowing these thoughts to creep on in.

I know I’ll be disappointed with myself if I admit defeat so easily. If Heidi gets more efficient and I make a real effort to wean her off these bottles, this could really work for us when I’m fully healed - it’s certainly easier than faffing around with bottles in the kitchen at 3am! But this doesn’t change the fact that I’ll never be able to recreate our feeding position in public, or be apart from Heidi for any length of time - I can’t ever see myself being able to express with my lowly supply. The only alternative is a complicated combination routine that I simply don’t trust myself to stick to.

I need some advice guys, I really do. Is there a connection between breastfeeding and baby blues? Perhaps this is the problem. I know that Craig is worried now and is keen for me to stop. He’s the one that sees me in tears daily, or irritable with Heidi. He thinks I’m putting too much pressure on myself and he has a point. I suffered quite badly with PND with Dex and do worry that some of the old signs are there again. Surely it’s not natural for me to dread feeding my baby?

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Breastfeeding Part 2 - Did I Give Up?