I’m so lucky to have Craig in my life. I might not always tell him how much I appreciate him, but I do. He’s my soulmate, my best friend, and a truly amazing and patient daddy to our children. Handily, I fancy him like mad too.
This is how I feel about him, but how does he feel about me?
I shouldn’t, but I often do think to myself that he must feel a little short-changed. Pregnancy didn’t look great on me, and its legacy isn’t too hot either. I have stretchmarks in places I didn’t even realise could stretch, and a handful of months breastfeeding our children has changed my silhouette in the most unfavourable way possible.
This seems to be the same with many of my mum friends. Our bodies, once sexualised by our partners, are now simply vessels built for the manufacture and nourishment of little people. Breastfeeding certainly didn’t help. I’ve blogged about the very real effect this had on my mental health, and the fact I felt like I was being suckled like a cow. It brought on crippling panic attacks and postpartum anxiety, and I really felt as though I lost myself over this period.
It’s therefore only natural this should impact on my sex-life and the way I feel about sex.
I guess I just didn’t expect that, having once led a very healthy and fulfilled sex-life, that my brain could decelerate so rapidly with the onslaught of parenthood. I don’t suppose that a lack of quality adult interaction, and hours spent discussing superheroes and Disney princesses do much to correct this either.
The result is a kind of sexual anxiety. It’s a product of lost confidence in my body (both physically and emotionally) to perform satisfactorily under the covers. Sex is more than just a physical response and my mind is just too exhausted (and probably depressed) to properly transition from Mother to Lover. So despite being fortunate enough to lay beside the most attentive and attractive man I’ve had, I’m not always allowing myself to enjoy it.
And, guess what? This is far more common than society would have us believe.
Sexual anxiety manifests itself in a number of ways. Although there is the obvious physical distinction between men and women that makes sexual anxiety far more newsworthy for men, sexual anxiety in women is a very real and under-discussed phenomenon. Although I can’t place myself in this league, in extreme cases this can prevent women from getting lubricated enough to have sex, and it can take away the physical desire to engage in it at all.
We’ve all heard of “fight or flight”, when stress hormones like epinephrine and norepinephrine are released in a series of reactions designed to prepare your body to run or confront a threat - whereas this would be hugely useful in a hostage situation, it’s not so useful when you’ve booked a dirty weekend away.
So what can you do about it?
Of course, there are medications that can help a man achieve and sustain an erection, and you can even buy Viagra online without prescription. Yet for women, solutions are far more complex. Here are my top tips for overcoming sexual anxiety:
Be open with your partner
If you’re in a loving and committed relationship, then just speak up. I struggle to hide a glass of wine from Craig so would find it impossible to conceal anything sex-related. I also feel I owe it to him to tell him how I’m feeling so he understands it isn’t anything he’s doing wrong - I’d hate to project any of my own insecurities on to him, especially when that would be so totally undeserved. Finding solutions has been nothing short of fun either as this blog lays testament to.
De-child your bedroom
No I don’t mean, pop your kids in another room - this goes without saying. But creating an adult-space for you and your partner to relax, might require a little re-jigging. Being surrounded by kid-clutter when you are trying to take your mind away from your little darlings is naturally counter-productive. Instead make your bedroom a child-free haven and stash away any of their paraphernalia elsewhere in your home.
Relax into ‘it’
Of course there are other ways to climax without penetration. You might also find that devoting time purely to your partner, will better prepare you for sex itself.
If this is one step too far, pull it back a bit and just have a cuddle and a smooch. When was the last time you properly kissed your partner anyway? Fortunately, Craig and I have always been very hands on and will take 30 seconds out from washing dishes to have a quick cuddle. Just because we’re a little out of sync in bed, doesn’t mean we should be elsewhere in our lives.
Don’t be hard on yourself
Give yourself a damn break. Many sexual anxieties are a product of the here and now, and may therefore lessen over time. Money issues, family drama, a bloody heatwave… any of these things could be unconsciously affecting your libido. If body issues are your thing, don’t crash diet or hastily book yourself in for surgery - just take it slowly and relax. When you find the right someone to spend the rest of your life with, a few months without intimacy is nothing to panic over.
