Tag Archives: Parenthood

Jul 21 2016

Sexual Anxiety and Parenthood

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I’m so lucky to have Craig in my life. I might not always tell him how much I appreciate him, but I do. He’s my soulmate, my best friend, and a truly amazing and patient daddy to our children. Handily, I fancy him like mad too.

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This is how I feel about him, but how does he feel about me?

I shouldn’t, but I often do think to myself that he must feel a little short-changed. Pregnancy didn’t look great on me, and its legacy isn’t too hot either. I have stretchmarks in places I didn’t even realise could stretch, and a handful of months breastfeeding our children has changed my silhouette in the most unfavourable way possible.

This seems to be the same with many of my mum friends. Our bodies, once sexualised by our partners, are now simply vessels built for the manufacture and nourishment of little people. Breastfeeding certainly didn’t help. I’ve blogged about the very real effect this had on my mental health, and the fact I felt like I was being suckled like a cow. It brought on crippling panic attacks and postpartum anxiety, and I really felt as though I lost myself over this period.

It’s therefore only natural this should impact on my sex-life and the way I feel about sex.

I guess I just didn’t expect that, having once led a very healthy and fulfilled sex-life, that my brain could decelerate so rapidly with the onslaught of parenthood. I don’t suppose that a lack of quality adult interaction, and hours spent discussing superheroes and Disney princesses do much to correct this either.

The result is a kind of sexual anxiety. It’s a product of lost confidence in my body (both physically and emotionally) to perform satisfactorily under the covers. Sex is more than just a physical response and my mind is just too exhausted (and probably depressed) to properly transition from Mother to Lover. So despite being fortunate enough to lay beside the most attentive and attractive man I’ve had, I’m not always allowing myself to enjoy it.

And, guess what? This is far more common than society would have us believe.

Sexual anxiety manifests itself in a number of ways. Although there is the obvious physical distinction between men and women that makes sexual anxiety far more newsworthy for men, sexual anxiety in women is a very real and under-discussed phenomenon. Although I can’t place myself in this league, in extreme cases this can prevent women from getting lubricated enough to have sex, and it can take away the physical desire to engage in it at all.

We’ve all heard of “fight or flight”, when stress hormones like epinephrine and norepinephrine are released in a series of reactions designed to prepare your body to run or confront a threat - whereas this would be hugely useful in a hostage situation, it’s not so useful when you’ve booked a dirty weekend away.

So what can you do about it?

Of course, there are medications that can help a man achieve and sustain an erection, and you can even buy Viagra online without prescription. Yet for women, solutions are far more complex. Here are my top tips for overcoming sexual anxiety:

Be open with your partner

If you’re in a loving and committed relationship, then just speak up. I struggle to hide a glass of wine from Craig so would find it impossible to conceal anything sex-related. I also feel I owe it to him to tell him how I’m feeling so he understands it isn’t anything he’s doing wrong - I’d hate to project any of my own insecurities on to him, especially when that would be so totally undeserved. Finding solutions has been nothing short of fun either as this blog lays testament to.

De-child your bedroom

No I don’t mean, pop your kids in another room - this goes without saying. But creating an adult-space for you and your partner to relax, might require a little re-jigging. Being surrounded by kid-clutter when you are trying to take your mind away from your little darlings is naturally counter-productive. Instead make your bedroom a child-free haven and stash away any of their paraphernalia elsewhere in your home.

Relax into ‘it’

Of course there are other ways to climax without penetration. You might also find that devoting time purely to your partner, will better prepare you for sex itself.

If this is one step too far, pull it back a bit and just have a cuddle and a smooch. When was the last time you properly kissed your partner anyway? Fortunately, Craig and I have always been very hands on and will take 30 seconds out from washing dishes to have a quick cuddle. Just because we’re a little out of sync in bed, doesn’t mean we should be elsewhere in our lives.

Don’t be hard on yourself

Give yourself a damn break. Many sexual anxieties are a product of the here and now, and may therefore lessen over time. Money issues, family drama, a bloody heatwave… any of these things could be unconsciously affecting your libido. If body issues are your thing, don’t crash diet or hastily book yourself in for surgery - just take it slowly and relax. When you find the right someone to spend the rest of your life with, a few months without intimacy is nothing to panic over.

 

Apr 13 2015

Making time for sex when parenthood hits (& win a luxury break with Durex & Red Letter Days)

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So you’re a new mum and living on baby time. You’re absolutely exhausted, showers have taken a back-seat and you’re up half the night with your milk guzzler. The only time your breasts see the light of day is when there’s a baby attached and your other half has forgotten what they even look like.

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Then routine sets in and baby gifts you a few hours sleep. It’s a right novelty to be in bed beside your man, but both of you start yawning as soon as your clothes come off.

It’s not even like sex pre-baby was that exciting. When you got down to it, an ovulation chart clouded your peripheral vision and any post-event formalities were silenced by the shoving of a cushion under your hips.

Well apparently a decline in your sex life isn’t limited to those on the cusp of, or indeed in the throes of, parenthood. A recent Newsnight expose into what us Brits are getting up to under the covers revealed very few of us are flinging each other around the bedroom as wantonly as we once did. Spurred on by Professor David Spiegelhalter’s book Sex by Numbers, Evan Davies did his best to guide us through some of the headlines without destroying what little appetite for sex we had left.

So apparently, on average we’re indulging in 3 bouts of penetrative sex a month… a month?! This is down from 5 times per month in the 90s. Masturbation (both self and mutual) has also been hit, as has foreplay. A few eternal pessimists have even gone so far as to state that the findings suggest British women are becoming increasingly dissatisfied by (and disinterested in) sex.

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Those with a more open-minded and pseudo-curious approach have sought to find an answer to the decline. Journalists have scrambled to get people to open up about the effects of digital technology, finances and family on our sex lives - just last week I sat on the phone for 15 minutes shining a spotlight on our undercover activities for AFT (About Fcking Time: an online sex magazine for the thinking woman) - and other newspapers and magazines are poised to follow suit if they can find someone as candid as me.

My response? No, no and no. Sex is as important as studying politics. It might seem an arduous and laborious process but it has infinite benefits. Next time you get a babysitter on a Saturday night don’t rush to bank those Tesco vouchers and grab a free bowl of pasta at Bella Italia, sink a few pints then argue over who is paying for the taxi on the way home - this won’t translate into a fulfilled and sustained relationship, nor will you remember it a week after.

high angle view of a couple hugging in bed

Good sex will do exactly that. You’ll remember it privately, and you’ll remember it together. Sexual experiences can be surprisingly enduring and serve us well when life becomes a bit lacklustre. Whether you’ve had a raging argument over whose turn it is to pay for petrol, or you’re pissed off that he’s having a beer and curry after work when you’re exhausted with the kids, tap into how you felt with your man between your legs and arguments seem less potent. The often risque subject of self-love can also cure all manner of ills including lethargy, depression and even (trust me on this one) writers block.

Making time for sex is therefore all-important. As many report technology is encroaching on their sex lives, instead use it to your advantage. Series link The Island and watch it the next day, leave the iPhone downstairs and let app notifications deliver you the headlines in the morning - just get in bed and get in a hour of pre-sleep exercise. Once you’ve done it, bloody talk about it; in a few days time talk your partner back into bed with the promise of something equally satisfying. It’s not his job, it’s not yours - some combined effort needs to happen.

“This is all very well Gemma, but I don’t have the time!”

If you need some time-out any from the stresses of everyday life in order to get your intimate time back on track, you could win a Luxury Hotel Break For Two courtesy of Red Letter Days & Durex, simply by telling them your sex toy status. Don’t worry, you don’t have to tweet the world with details of what’s buried in your sock drawer, it’s a 30 second entry form. The winner gets the luxury break at one of 90 locations across the UK, and 4 runners up will get luxury Durex Extreme Thrill Rabbit vibrators to jazz up play-time under the covers! Enter via the Durex website HERE

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www.theprizefinder.com

Mar 29 2015

From the mouth of the babe: Marks & Spencer – a Dad’s Survival Guide

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Nope Heidi hasn’t started chattering at 11 months, and Dex is no more comprehensible now than he was at 1.5 years. I’m still “Mummis”, Craig still “Diddy”, and the closest we come to a sentence is some pretty dramatic babbling, pointing at the fridge and bottom lip-wobbling when he’s pleading for his after-dinner chocolate mousse.

No, the babe I speak of in the title for this post is He who helped me make them; chief electrician, spider-catcher and chef here at Casa Mills; the man I agreed to marry when drunk who still hasn’t put a ring on it… Craig.

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You see, I was recently contacted by M&S about a little project they’re doing to coincide with their new M&S Baby section on marksandspencer.com. They want to create a Dad’s Survival Guide full of advice from oft-forgotten dads - those magnificent beasts who somehow manage to make parenting both harder and easier at the same time.

Yet, extracting pearls of wisdom from my man is tough. When not under pressure, this man will provide a running commentary to the most mundane of activities. He’ll talk over Orange is the New Black so you have to watch it again secretly the next day. He’ll decide to ask you your opinion on the Battle for Number 10 when you’re halfway through a blog post. He’ll over-complicate the online food shop and deliberate aloud for ten whole minutes about which sausages to buy the kids for tea. In short, he’s never short of something to moan, joke or jump on his soapbox about.

Yet when asked if he had any parenting advice to offer a fellow dad-to-be, he reacted as though I’d asked him about the intricacies of cytogenetics during the mitotic metaphase. The eyebrows furrowed and he grabbed a nappy and set to work on Heidi to escape the question. When pressed, staring down at the contents of my daughter’s nappy, he muttered “Wrap it up”.

Of course he’s joking, he’s a brilliant daddy. But it’s tough to come up with a nugget of winning advice. Sure, two children in, we know loads more now, than we did then. We know that the only baby socks that stay put are from Baby Gap, we know that we wasted a good twenty quid on a nappy bin before Child 1 came along, we know that an tablet loaded with Flixster is your best bet if your child gets car sick. Yet coming up with something truly… helpful? Not easy.

When he turned to me in bed later that evening, his attempt, on the face of it, was a bit saccharine:

“Never waiver in your love, admiration and respect of the mother of your children” Craig

Yet when he explained it, I began to understand it was one of the most compelling things he’d ever said.

He explained that, especially for dads who work, you can feel a little on the periphery of parenthood. On the weekends, when you get up first with the kids, you’re forever getting caught out by not removing the crust from the kids’ toast, or making up their drinks with slightly the wrong ratio of juice to water. At times, you have to accept that your partner knows the nuisances of parenting that you don’t. The slightest deviation from routine can end up in an epic tantrum.

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You also have to acknowledge that the stay-at-home-mum is one of the least respected jobs in Britain. She’s berated and discriminated against by the government, she can’t pull a sicky and she’s not paid for her work. Craig freely admits that after particularly long and difficult weekends with the children, he is sometimes relieved to get up at 5am and go to work. It’s not that he doesn’t love us all, it’s just that the mess, tears and never-ending wiping of snotty noses and mucky bums, is unrelenting and hard.

He goes on to say that if ever you’re having a crap day at work and silently resenting that mum is at home, mentally revisiting a challenging weekend of parenting brings you back to earth with a thud. You therefore have to forgive your partner when she’s snappy or emotional when you come home. Similarly, if she’s in the middle of cooking dinner and a bottle of wine is half-depleted, there’s no point arguing she should have waited.

Finally, you have to see past the fact she has a stress rash on her cheek, her hair is a longer version of Boris Johnson’s and she’s wearing your favourite t-shirt and it appears to be covered in baby vomit. When the day’s toys are swept into the toy chest, you’ve both eaten, she is showered, and you’re preparing for bed, you’ll remember just how lovely she is.

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