Jul 21 2016

Sexual Anxiety and Parenthood

Posted on July 21, 2016 by admin

I’m so lucky to have Craig in my life. I might not always tell him how much I appreciate him, but I do. He’s my soulmate, my best friend, and a truly amazing and patient daddy to our children. Handily, I fancy him like mad too.

This is how I feel about him, but how does he feel about me?

I shouldn’t, but I often do think to myself that he must feel a little short-changed. Pregnancy didn’t look great on me, and its legacy isn’t too hot either. I have stretchmarks in places I didn’t even realise could stretch, and a handful of months breastfeeding our children has changed my silhouette in the most unfavourable way possible.

This seems to be the same with many of my mum friends. Our bodies, once sexualised by our partners, are now simply vessels built for the manufacture and nourishment of little people. Breastfeeding certainly didn’t help. I’ve blogged about the very real effect this had on my mental health, and the fact I felt like I was being suckled like a cow. It brought on crippling panic attacks and postpartum anxiety, and I really felt as though I lost myself over this period.

It’s therefore only natural this should impact on my sex-life and the way I feel about sex.

I guess I just didn’t expect that, having once led a very healthy and fulfilled sex-life, that my brain could decelerate so rapidly with the onslaught of parenthood. I don’t suppose that a lack of quality adult interaction, and hours spent discussing superheroes and Disney princesses do much to correct this either.

The result is a kind of sexual anxiety. It’s a product of lost confidence in my body (both physically and emotionally) to perform satisfactorily under the covers. Sex is more than just a physical response and my mind is just too exhausted (and probably depressed) to properly transition from Mother to Lover. So despite being fortunate enough to lay beside the most attentive and attractive man I’ve had, I’m not always allowing myself to enjoy it.

And, guess what? This is far more common than society would have us believe.

Sexual anxiety manifests itself in a number of ways. Although there is the obvious physical distinction between men and women that makes sexual anxiety far more newsworthy for men, sexual anxiety in women is a very real and under-discussed phenomenon. Although I can’t place myself in this league, in extreme cases this can prevent women from getting lubricated enough to have sex, and it can take away the physical desire to engage in it at all.

We’ve all heard of “fight or flight”, when stress hormones like epinephrine and norepinephrine are released in a series of reactions designed to prepare your body to run or confront a threat - whereas this would be hugely useful in a hostage situation, it’s not so useful when you’ve booked a dirty weekend away.

So what can you do about it?

Of course, there are medications that can help a man achieve and sustain an erection, and you can even buy Viagra online without prescription. Yet for women, solutions are far more complex. Here are my top tips for overcoming sexual anxiety:

Be open with your partner

If you’re in a loving and committed relationship, then just speak up. I struggle to hide a glass of wine from Craig so would find it impossible to conceal anything sex-related. I also feel I owe it to him to tell him how I’m feeling so he understands it isn’t anything he’s doing wrong - I’d hate to project any of my own insecurities on to him, especially when that would be so totally undeserved. Finding solutions has been nothing short of fun either as this blog lays testament to.

De-child your bedroom

No I don’t mean, pop your kids in another room - this goes without saying. But creating an adult-space for you and your partner to relax, might require a little re-jigging. Being surrounded by kid-clutter when you are trying to take your mind away from your little darlings is naturally counter-productive. Instead make your bedroom a child-free haven and stash away any of their paraphernalia elsewhere in your home.

Relax into ‘it’

Of course there are other ways to climax without penetration. You might also find that devoting time purely to your partner, will better prepare you for sex itself.

If this is one step too far, pull it back a bit and just have a cuddle and a smooch. When was the last time you properly kissed your partner anyway? Fortunately, Craig and I have always been very hands on and will take 30 seconds out from washing dishes to have a quick cuddle. Just because we’re a little out of sync in bed, doesn’t mean we should be elsewhere in our lives.

Don’t be hard on yourself

Give yourself a damn break. Many sexual anxieties are a product of the here and now, and may therefore lessen over time. Money issues, family drama, a bloody heatwave… any of these things could be unconsciously affecting your libido. If body issues are your thing, don’t crash diet or hastily book yourself in for surgery - just take it slowly and relax. When you find the right someone to spend the rest of your life with, a few months without intimacy is nothing to panic over.

Jun 8 2016

Re-imagining parenthood - at least my children won’t ever sign up for Love Island

Posted on June 8, 2016 by admin

I’m 99.9% sure I won’t be winning any parenting awards any time soon. Dexter (4) and Heidi (2) are hard work, so the thought of adding paint, crayons even water to the mix makes messy play a no-no in our house. I leave all the dirty work to Dexter’s nursery play leaders and my God those women deserve medals. If I was left in charge of 20x children for just an hour, I’d be rocking back and forth in the toilets swigging gin.

In fact, my two can be downright unruly. We get through around 7 plasters a week in our house and my two would happily knock the crap out of each other over the iPad. They’re not bad children by any means, they’re just at that age where the thought of sharing Avengers Mashers sends them into a blind panic.

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Then there are dinnertimes. Dinnertimes have me knocking back Co-codamol faster than it takes my daughter to wee on the bathroom floor after a soak in the tub. My son has a real aversion to food (all food, not just fruit and vegetables) and we’re guaranteed several tantrums if we have the audacity to read his mind incorrectly and serve fish fingers rather than pizza.

Moving onto bedtimes - these should-be-serene adult times are all too often hijacked by our little night-time ninjas. In fact, Heidi has been affectionately dubbed The Punisher in our home. I truly believe she’s capable of elicting secrets for Our Majesty’s Secret Service; one night with Heidi and sleep deprivation will have you coughing up all your darkest and shadiest deeds.

I can’t remember the last time I slept in my bed without a nappy-clad bum in my face - I consider myself lucky if I don’t wake up beside wee-soaked bedsheets. If you are reading this and thinking what an ungrateful mother I am, don’t worry, the chances of adding us to our brood are made near impossible thanks to ~~our little passion killers~~ Dexter and Heidi. They’ve even started screaming at us if they see us having a cheeky snog in the kitchen.

I’m sure you’ve read many a similar article before where the author will sign off with some twee comment about “not changing anything for the world”, but exhaustion has a way of forcing honesty out of me. I would change lots of things.

I’d rebuild my entire personality - I’d add in healthy slops of patience, self-control and cheerfulness. I’d get rid of this shitty bi-polar and remove any social awkwardness so I could ask for help when I need it. I’d switch up a few of my decisions and have spent more of my youth on practical life skills like learning to drive and cook before becoming a mummy. If we’re going the whole hog and I could change anything, I’d do away with a few excess inches off my bum and boobs too.

As regards my little people, I’d do lots of thing differently if I had the opportunity again. I would serve one meal for the entire family and adopt the “like it or lump it” attitude that better mothers than I have long since used on their toddlers. I would never have given into my daughter’s 3am screaming, and made a rod for my own back by dishing out night-time bottles. I’d stop using gin as a crutch to make it through an evening. And if reality could be altered, I’d have had a volume and sleep switch implanted when they were growing inside my womb.

Yet there are worse things than being a shattered parent, even a reluctant one. Like being a useless one.

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Somehow I still manage to read them a few books every night, and they’re crashing through milestones at an alarming rate. They are also capable of moments of such breathtaking loveliness - Dexter likes to hold my hand whilst he drifts off to sleep, and Heidi doles out up to 15 kisses in a row if she’s feeling generous. Despite resenting the state of my kitchen, my garden… my social life… we sort of mesh together as a family and I can definitely see us all enjoying each other’s company when we’re older. We’ll be like that Jewish family off Gogglebox.

And if I’m feeling particularly useless, I’ll reassure myself with the knowledge that my children will never sign up for Love Island and get their bits out for the nation to see. I know they won’t make a fool of themselves and audition for Big Brother either - afterall let’s face it, they’re bound to take after their rather flabby and cynical mother. Yes. There’s always that.

Feb 18 2016

Was Valentine’s Day a Letdown? Say HellOoo to Smilemakers

Posted on February 18, 2016 by admin

Self-Love

It’s no secret that my kids aren’t the only one in this house with a stash of toys. I don’t think I could handle the stress of my two munchkins without a spot of me-time, and Craig and I both share the view that an intimate knowledge of our own bodies has resulted in a happy and fulfilling sex life together. We’re not randy buggers (I wish!) but we have managed to make two beautiful babies and are breezing through 5 year itch territory with no problems (*nods appreciatively at her bulging knicker drawer*).

I’m well aware that I can count a handful of mums from the school gate as sometime readers of my blog, and this doesn’t bother me at all. Like me, they’re rushing home to a mountain of washing up when they say goodbye to their children, I just happen to sometimes chose some duvet time over a coffee at 10.30am. Then it’s onto a punishing routine of running this blog, housework and scrubbing crayon off the walls! Nothing extraordinary about life within this home, I can assure you!

So when Smilemakers recently got in touch and asked me if I’d like to review a few of their new friendly vibrators, I naturally said yes. I loved their branding from the off, and am furiously nodding at their mission statement:

SmilemakersQ

YES! This encapsulates everything I’ve tried to say above. In my opinion, backed up by many of my friends, masturbation is a wonderful thing. It’s an attitude I wouldn’t be adverse to my children sharing when they’re older, respecting their privacy etc. I would much rather they learned about their bodies themselves rather than have it explored by someone else before they’re comfortable!

There are tons of hidden benefits to self-pleasuring too. Sexual wellbeing and overall wellbeing is intuitively linked. Doctors also point out that a healthy sex life (be that on your own or with a partner) means better health. An orgasm will release endorphins and oxytocin which trigger positive feelings not only affecting confidence and how beautiful you feel, but also how beautiful you look - as if you needed any more convincing…

KFQUOTE

So you’re onboard - Come meet the dream team!

In short - Smilemakers have really impressed me with their vibrators. They’re non-intimidating, battery-operated (for convenience) and made from sleek-looking silicone in pastel pallettes. With names like The Frenchman, The Tennis Coach, The Millionaire and The Fireman, they’re about far as you can get from menacing looking dildos or gawdy neon “rabbits”. This spoke to me straight away. I might have a mini collection at home, but I don’t have many big boys here. I’m lucky enough to have Craig for when I need a ‘fuller’ experience, and appreciate that 90% of women will prefer clitoral stimulation for a quick solo afternoon session. I guess you could say, I’d rather have a chicken salad than a mixed grill at lunch.

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This puts Smilemakers range on a par with Lelo’s bullet vibrators; small, discrete and well, friendly-looking. Yet Smilemakers have gone one step further, they’ve directly catered for those of us who prefer stimulating externally with two tongue simulators in their range. Funnily enough there aren’t many of these on the market, especially at the under £30 mark, so this appealed straight away. It’s these two I’ve reviewing below.

What did I make of them?

Like all the range, these two bad boys require 1x AAA battery and are reported to give up to 4 hours of continuous fun (chance would be a fine thing!), which is great for convenience sake although it would be good to have one included. Simply untwist the base, pop it in and they’re ready for action. I’m also impressed how all of the range have 4 speeds + pulsation - just tap on the base to move up or down a gear. This puts them in the “multi-mood” camp for me - suitable for both cheeky 5 minute thrills, or longer sessions with (or without) Craig.

Smile Makers Collection (Group 2) Mid-res

They’re made from super smooth waterproof cryogenically polished (phthalates-free) silicone with no harsh seams to catch you out. Believe it not, I’ve thrown toys away for seams before - there’s no excuse for it and it’s my pet hate. Rather these offer an incredibly soft experience, both in and out of the bath, and are a cinch to keep clean.

Noise-wise, I’d give them a 9/10. At just 40dB, in a silent house hubby won’t hear them from downstairs, but you’ll still hear a tiny buzz when operating them. This makes them a great option for foreplay where you’d rather hear each other than your shop-bought playmates (it won’t wake the kids either - bonus!).

Enough skirting about, how did they perform?

THE FIREMAN (The pink one)

I like him. He was able to bring me where I wanted to go in a matter of minutes and has become my go-to buddy when Craig is unavailable. The whole thing vibrates rather than just the tip, making it super versatile and I like the fact the speed setting is far away from the bit I’m “in the moment with” so it doesn’t interrupt what I’m doing. When on a higher setting, the tongue bit will vibrate away offering a super sensitive experience. I’d happily recommend this as an entry level vibe, or one for the pros who need something a little less intense.

I’m still waiting on the ultimate, that’s to say a vibrator with this head, but a non-moving/vibrating shaft, so you can truly relax without tell-tale buzzing hands - but this is where it slots in nicely with Craig’s and my bedroom antics as I’m not operating him.

THE FRENCHMAN (The blue one)

I don’t want to criticise this vibrator as I’m still overjoyed it’s out to stimulate the bit we all want it to. I just think it’s built for someone else. After some careful maneuvering I still got “there”, I just think The Fireman is able to whisk me there quicker. I’m putting this down to the shape of the head which, whilst still super flexible, will move around less.

That said, this is Craig’s favourite as he likens it more to himself so he finds it easier to operate - no complaints from me on this score! It’s made a cameo on a few date nights with Craig and I but for some reason I’m very conscious I can’t relax with it on my own. Again, it would be great for first timers who want to try something new, but also for couples who want to spice things up.

In conclusion

This sums up self-pleasuring for me. We all have different preferences. Half the enjoyment is finding what’s right for you, and I’m happy to report that Smilemakers have something for every taste.

My Mills Baby

Reviews, giveaways & musings from a skincare-obsessed stressed-out mummy!

Category Archives: Relationships