Like most parents, I haven’t had a good night’s sleep since Dexter burst out of my tummy 4 and a bit years ago. Like the scene from Alien, his arrival was gruesome, disruptive and life-altering.

Well he’s now a paintbrush-wielding 4 year-old, and has been joined in his tyranny by 2 year-old “Princess” Heidi. With these two under my feet, I’m living testament to the fact that years of no sleep and involuntary co-sleeping makes parents bitter, desperate and well… super inventive. Sadly, parents will clock up some 4000 bedtimes before a child reaches the age of 11 - that’s downright scary, and (as such) warrants a blog post from yours truly.

You see, Dexter’s a nighttime ninja. He might sleep like a dream, but this is only when he’s crept into our room in the dead of the night and stolen a sizable proportion of our duvet, pillows and well - space. Coupled with his “sleep terrorist sister”, who is as irritating as a broken Lumie Bodyclock, we don’t stand a chance.

This leads me to sleep tip No.1. - Vodka. Take large quantities of the stuff after the kids have gone to sleep. Seriously. It dulls your senses enough to survive sleep thiefdom from even the peskiest of thieves.

Tips (of sorts)

Bath

Never mind the fact, your child is tired and irritable, you’re tired and irritable - let’s face it, when tooth-brushing, story-time and whatever else is in full swing - you’re just about losing the will to live yourself. So, ask yourself, what works well for you when you’re shattered and trying to dodge all parental responsibility? A bath! Funnily enough, bathing them, works in pretty much the same way.

Here, you’ve hit upon the most tried and tested bedtime ritual of all time. Bathe the pesky ones and they’ll emerge clean, and more importantly, shattered. The trick is then to deposit them into their beds before they make contact with one another and turn rotten.

Book

Yep - now I’m going to suggest reading to them - I know, crazy right? They might not appreciate it, but shouting the contents of The Gruffalo over their protestations has been proven (apparently) to both ease them to sleep and (ironically) shake their grey matter into action. Don’t bother pinning them down, if they insist on screaming, scream about his “terrible teeth” and “terrible jaws” even louder. Nightmares? Oh lord, let’s hope not.

Then Bed

If you’re kids are anything like mine, they fight sleep, They have every excuse under the sun for not hitting-the-pit and can drag it out for hours. Now I’m a school-run mum (thank the Lord), I’m often chatting with other parents about their bedtime experiences. Granted, some make me want to bash their brains in… with a candlestick… in the library… apparently they’ve got perfect kids that turn-in on instruction and don’t need to be bribed with promises of morning Haribo. I however, don’t have that luxury.

Stay with me - I might be onto something…

Seriously now, if you haven’t somehow turned into a trickster the Virgin Mary would be proud of, your kids should be at least 9 months apart in age. Soooo, different bed-times work well - especially as (I’m told) they will quite often share their thoughts and worries with you in that intimate time. We tend to forget our children are fully-functioning little humans at times, this is the time to appreciate it.

And nappy-rash…

No I’m not going off-piste - this is like scientific-ness. There is nothing worse than having an uncomfortable kidlet wake up at 2am and enter your bedroom itching their butt.

If it should happen?

Don’t worry. You’re not a rubbish parent, you just haven’t been introduced to a product that’ll kick the dreaded nappy-rash into touch - Bepanthen.

So, here goes… EVERY nappy change, you should smear a layer of Bepanthen onto their bum / delicate area. It’s that simple.

It’s free from fragrance, preservatives, colours and antiseptics - which means we can use it at every nappy change. Furthermore, pro-vitamin B5 gently aids the natural recovery of babies’ skin whilst keeping it soft and moisturised - remember that prevention is better than cure and all that guff.

Unlike other barrier creams that are highly pigmented, Bepanthen forms a transparent barrier between skin and nappy - meaning sheets, PJ bottoms and covers are stain-free no matter how much your child wriggles around or protests in bed. Even better, the formulation is so light and easily absorbed that even the most ardent wriggler can be treated in seconds. Sounds like a barrier ointment for us lazy parents, hey?

The idea is that it creates a water-tight barrier so urine simply glides off little botties and is instead absorbed by the nappy, and doesn’t sit atop your child’s delicate skin. It’s particularly brilliant if you child has acid wee or is prone to explosive poos that turn peachy bums bright red.

Why does this have anything to do with bed-time? Well, nappy care ointment really makes a difference at night. Nappies are great at keeping bottoms dry, but 8+ hours in the same nappy increases the chances of a sore bum. If your kidlet’s bottom is protected from nappy rash - the next day will be all butterflies and roses.

In fact, although Bepanthen may not thank me for saying this, if you’re using it correctly, one tube should last you a year or more. We’re not caking bare botties, but simply using it as we would lip gloss - one-swipe-then-out.

I would love to say this is the end of bedtime routines at our house, but sadly the little feckers are up every few hours. Never mind - we love them right?

Thanks all - got to go - got some fish finger sarnies to make the wee ones (and therefore a shot of vodka waiting to be consumed). Good luck and keep reminding yourself that the answer isn’t too many paracetamols.

This post is an entry for #BepanthenBedtimeChallenge, sponsored by Bepanthen. Learn more at https://www.facebook.com/Bepanthen or www.bepanthen.co.uk