Being a lazy parent, children’s television is an essential part of my children’s day. I do ensure they get a thrice daily airing in rural suburbia, and there are regular breaks to scoff grapes & crudely-made sandwiches or blunt a felt tip into some some coloured card, but other than that, television is my savior.

I try to keep their schedule varied. Team Umizoomi, Mister Maker’s Arty Party and the Twirlywoos are all fab for teaching your child about perspective, numeracy and the like, but there are some real no-nos as far as children’s television goes…

Bing Bunny

Flop and his whiny protege Bing are part of the daily CBeebies line-up, and nothing brings me closer to dunking my face into a burning vat of oil. Lasting a torturous 15 minutes ish, our darlings are treated to two consecutive stories from this most dysfunctional duo, twice daily.

The premise? Bing is a preschool bunny who has some sort of delayed speech thing going on, and therefore speaks with the cadence and limited vocabulary of an 18 month old. Flop, his creepy minder, is some sort of alien / dog hybrid and obviously no relation. In fact, this whole disproportionate child to “adult” size thing is a common theme throughout the show. Yet the two appear to live together with Bing having a bed in his flat.

Anyhow, Flop & Bing explore a new theme each episode. It’s guaranteed that Bing will either cry, diva strop or moan throughout the programme, and Flop will calmly nanny him into submission. Perhaps it irritates me so much as Flop’s clearly got this parenting thing nailed. There’s no naughty step, shouting, or even any admonishment on Flop’s part, rather Bing just accepts he’s being a little s*it and the programme rolls on to its saccharine conclusion.

At the end of each episode, Bing will sum up his decidedly boring day in an epilogue to camera. Flop always has the last word though, like all abusers. He’ll helpfully interrupt his bunny friend stating “Going to the toilet… It’s a Bing thing”, “Eating… It’s a Bing thing”, “Burping… It’s a Bing thing”… {Insert any mundane daily activity}… except of course, these aren’t Bing things at all, are they? They’re normal everyday occurrences.

Bore off Bing Bunny.

Max and Ruby

Don’t have Netlfix? Lucky you. Sadly my son is obsessed with this brother and sister coupling.

This time we have Ruby (unspecified age, but clearly under 14) as the apparent sole carer of mute preschooler, Max. Granny does put in the odd appearance but I’m sensing some sort of mental illness on her part. To be fair to Ruby, she does appear to have an endless supply of pocket money she spends responsibly on everyday essentials, but the thought of these two wandering about unchaperoned is enough to make me want to call social services.

The most irritating thing about these two? Well other than the fact Max is a sinister little thing with his evil winks to camera, Ruby is the real threat to your sanity. Her voice will set your teeth on edge and she’s a bossy cow too. No wonder Max challenges her authority, life under totalitarian Ruby would be enough to coax anarchic tendencies out of the most coolheaded youngster.

Old Jack’s Boat

I *almost* feel bad about putting this one on the list, I mean poor Old Jack isn’t likely to score another gig if this venture gets taken off air, but my God it’s irritating.

In this case we have Old Jack - a man living seemingly hand-to-mouth, poaching cupcakes, ice-creams and other wares for himself and his mangy mutt. He appears to have taken seaside living to the extreme, and lives on a cluttered “boat” - gutted out to accommodate his hoarding problem.

Elsewhere, we have a demented old bat who runs a stall by the harbour (despite us not ever seeing a paying customer) and a cake shop owner / prostitute / mermaid (yep!) / walking ad for Wonderbra who’ll coquettishly wink and flirt at your youngster as she fusses over the down-and-out Old Jack.

Each episode he’ll regale us with some made-up nonsense about his dog. These tall tales are helpfully animated so Salty Dog can hold his breath underwater to have an adventure with sharks, crabs and other sealife pertinent to his story. It’s testament to how naff this is, that it’s then your child is most likely thrust the TiVo remote in your face.

Most people explore the world in retirement, or else become a cantankerous nuisance in their children’s/grandchildren’s lives. Personally, I think Old Jack needs to volunteer at Battersea, or find a family willing to adopt him. It’s very sad watching some old soul being humoured by oddballs within his community.

Any more to add? Leave me a comment and I’ll check it out.