I regret everyday not having listened to my mum more attentively when I was a teenager. Okay, that’s not strictly true, most of what she had to say was quite nasty and ridiculous - but some of it was born out of genuine concern.
The most obvious one was her continual nagging over my opening bottles of beer with my teeth. I thought I was sooo clever offering my services as a human bottle opener, but now I have teeth that don’t quite sit together. Aesthetically it’s not obvious at all, but it is annoying when Dex hands me a dud tomato sauce sachet and I can’t rip it open for him.
I also now have one tooth that took a knock when I fell off a picnic table on a boozy night out. It knocked one tooth clean out which was hastily replaced the next morning by an emergency dentist, but another was left pushed slightly inward.
This minor problem bothers me so much I refuse to have pictures of one side of my face. This is perhaps the only thing I’ll ever have in common with Mariah Carey who I once read seems to think one of her cheeks is lopsided.

Finally, having been a smoker on and off for some 15 years, my teeth are a little stained.
My dentist practically laughed me out of her room when I suggested I go down the cosmetic dentistry route. Sadly this wasn’t because I had a mouth stuffed full of those cotton wool tampon-like thingys, or had asked her for free treatment - it was because she insists my teeth are the best I’ll ever get.

She whipped out those little paper charts that show your “current” shade of white and informed me I simply ranked too high to bother with expensive whitening treatment. It seems I’m destined to be one of those women with distinctive teeth - like Madonna or Sam Bailey.
It does bother me though and I’ve vowed to get it sorted before I get married. I simply can’t bring myself to boss my wedding photographer around like a deranged Bridezilla.
So, in a bid to get around the extortionate cost of professionally bleaching my toothy-pegs, I’m on the hunt to find a high street whitening kit that really works. I’m also considering going down the Incognito Lite route to bring my pesky molar back into line. I’d rather walk down the aisle two stone heavier than I already am than have my wonky smile see me cry over half of my wedding photos.
Has anyone else considered some kind of cosmetic surgery before their wedding? I can’t shake the image of Alicia Douvall from my mind and suspect I’ll become addicted to quick-fixes. It’ll start with my teeth then I’ll be hankering after lunchtime lipo.
I guess the point of this post is that age old sentiment that we all eventually turn into our mothers. Just please please please for my children’s sake let me say it in a way that will smash down any teenage recalcitrance. And kids, just use a keyring for those beer bottles.