I despise blog awards. Not because they’re elitist popularity contests, but because they’re clearly based on no discernible reasoning whatsoever. Rather they’re like the Soap category at the BAFTAS where it’s the same old toss up between Corrie and Eastenders each year. Sure, Hollyoaks and Emmerdale get a few claps from the audience, but those great stalwarts of British telly will always prevail - even if their storylines were comparatively pony that season.

tots100.co.uk

I didn’t even realise the MADS were upon us this year (further evidence of my indifference). Usually I get a heap of email notifications from bloggers shamelessly begging for noms, but my inbox clearly got smart this year and turfed these out for recycling without human intervention.

In fact the only reason I even know they’ve happened is that a friend of mine recently DMed me on Facebook with a screen grab of a list of winners and a curiously worded “whaaaat?!”.

I supposed I really should look. Given I am a blogger, listed under the parent category thanks to my two tearaways, some of these women are “Facebook Friends” of mine. I might need to send a curt “congratulations” to ensure their ego is being appropriately sated (blogger etiquette and all that). But nope. I scanned the list and saw some familiar names, but mostly as a result of seeing them on last year’s ballot, not because I’d actually read a post or follow their blog in any way. I couldn’t pick a single one out from a line-up… apart from one who I figured the “whaaaat?!” referred to.

I got it. This Best in Class blogger did come as a bit of a shock. Far from celebrating her parenting prowess this year, she should be placed on a naughty step somewhere. I raised my eyebrows a little but that was it. No racing pulse, bewilderment or excitement. She won a bit of glassware, who cares?

I don’t have an issue with the organisers, and choose to believe that the sentiment is a positive one. Many other professional, charitable and social organisations recognise achievements and reward successes - why should the blogging world be any different? But what makes a blog outstanding? Surely there’s an element of subjectivity to one’s blog preferences.

I’m not bitter. I don’t secretly want to win one, and nor do I deserve one. I swear (alot) and actually consider myself a pretty average mother. I don’t blog regularly anymore either - fed up of seeing real life peering at me atop my laptop screen - Sudocrem-stained children, unwashed dishes and sofa cushions painted with nail varnish. My children hate my laptop so I can no longer whip it out and type for a few hours straight.

I wouldn’t even turn up to the awards if I was nominated. I’m an anti-social bint and the school-run is the pinnacle of my social-life.

The whole thing has got me thinking about what type of blog awards I would actually follow. If Best Baby Blog isn’t doing it for me, what would? So I’ve come up with a few alternatives that might prompt me to subscribe to a fellow blogger on BlogLovin’:

• Blogger most likely to acquire a social worker in 2017
• Blogger most likely to stun us all with a pregnancy announcement off the back of a one night stand in 2017
• Blogger most likely to divorce and be back on Plenty of Fish in 2017

And a few group categories:

• Bloggers who call-out PRs on social media for refusing to work with them
• Bloggers who unashamedly drop the C Bomb in posts
• Bloggers who openly fight with each other in Facebook groups

It seems I’m one of those people who watches her local news programmes on the off chance that someone I went to school with gets arrested. I’m far more likely to read something salacious and dark, than something sunny and lovely. I’m a car-crash reader - that’s to say I gawk at people who regularly fall flat on their arses and tell the world about it. When will these blogs ever be celebrated for being what they are?