Heidi is now a walking, giggling and eye-fluttering one-year-old. We’ve successfully supported her through that first chaotic year of nightfeeds, early illnesses and weaning, and now she’s a whole year closer to womanhood. We’re under no illusion this year she’ll show us a bit of sass as her little personality is finally revealed, and (hopefully) a few tufts of hair to bunch and plait.
Until now, I’d never given much thought to the fact she’s a girl. My three-year-old, Dexter, is an inquisitive, polite and often mischievous little dude, and given there’s been no dramatic shift in our parenting style towards Heidi, I just assumed she would grow to become his twin, albeit with a healthy dose of “girl” thrown in.
Over the last few weeks however, I’ve witnessed nuisances in their mannerisms, treatment of one another and their personalities. At their recent joint birthday party, Dexter was very protective of Heidi, wrapping his arms around her and guiding her through a room of adult legs and looming faces. Yet a day later he’s back to snatching her toys and pushing her to the floor. He will fetch her a bottle or bear-hug her when he’s gone too far, but often there’s a cacophony of tears, shrieking and stomping as they try (in their own ways) to outdo each other to get our attention.
When the fire-fighting is done and they’re playing peacefully together with a pile of Micro Machines between them, it quickly becomes apparent that there is a significant degree of heterogeneity between them. She is in awe of her big brother, and more sensitive, resilient and nurturing than he. He’s more introspective, independent and willful than she. I have to acknowledge their sex is a major contributing factor to the ever-apparent differences between them.
Wanting to unpack this idea further, I recently read 7 Secrets of Raising Girls Every Parent Must Know by Judy Reith (Summersdale Publishing ISBN 9781849536714). I was hoping to gain an insight into what our lives will look like as Heidi’s evolves. For the first time ever, I’m not sure whether it delivered or not.
When my mum died after a long fight with Alzheimer’s, grief threw me an opportunity to consider her legacy to me, and my three daughters. A friend said to me, “We all leave our shadow behind”. So what is my mum’s shadow? What will mine be to my darling daughters so they have what they need to thrive in the modern world? Judy Reith
Don’t get me wrong, the book was an enjoyable read. She imparts her 7 virtues with finesse, offering case studies, inspirational quotes and personal anecdotes. It’s set over 7 chapters and attempts to confront, head on, the cultural, sociological and physiological challenges of raising a daughter as she hurtles headfirst into the world; from her first tentative steps, to a world of lipstick and high heels. She deals with all the usual themes that cause 21st century parents headaches such as self-esteem, bitchiness, sex and social media in an undeniably warm, funny and inclusive style.
The book is well written in so far as no singular opinion is offered, rather Reith reminds us we know our daughters best and are all equipped with an innate ability to parent them. Instead it’s packed with ideas and suggestions on how to re-balance the busy lives we lead and reflect on the simple pleasures (and new dynamic) a girl can bring to your family. Reith’s late mother often pops up with practical, no-nonsense advice from the 70s showing how parents throughout the ages have grappled with similar anxieties and have emerged blinking into the sunshine out of the other side.
I was left feeling inspired. Reith gives you plenty to think about that will continually pop up as you go about the daily ritual of parenting. We all have days (or indeed weeks) when we question our parenting - but ultimately we are only answerable to our children. It doesn’t make you feel incompetent, instead, it affirms the things you’re doing right, and inspires you to do other things better.
I’m also a big fan of the additional reading suggestions at the back of the book, and worksheets for the biro-happy parent. With a whole chapter on the delicate relationship between dad and daughter there’s also advice about maintaining and nurturing that most tricky of relationships.
But did it help me understand my daughter better? Maybe not.
But was that her intention? Maybe not.
Moreover, was that what I really wanted? Maybe not.
Instead it gives you so much more. I might not know Heidi better, but I might not ever truly know the inner workings of her! Yet I am feeling more positive about my relationship with her. On those bleak days in the future when I’m called into school and she tells me she hates me for not backing her up in front of her teacher, or she hides herself away for weeks when Mark dumps her for Tracy, I’ll know that, as a woman, and more importantly her mother, I’m better equipped than anyone to steer her through it.
