It seems if you’re not aged between 28-35, someone will have an opinion on your pregnancy. By writing this post, it could well be argued that I’m falling right into that trap myself! But I’m certainly not alone. The rise of the older mum was highlighted in a press release from The Royal College of Midwives (RCM) a few weeks ago, and formed a discussion topic on last Sunday’s The Big Questions (BBC) too. This press release is the latest in a chain of articles from the RCM about pregnancies in older women and appears to have sparked real debate about the implications of having a baby over 40. I must admit that the inner reporter in me couldn’t resist a little late night research - especially as I’m not ruling out having another baby in a few years time.
The latest press release reveals that in 2012 85% more babies were born to mother’s over 40 than the decade previous. Although these figures have been criticised as being over-inflated, we can say with certainty that there has been a rise from 1% to 4% of total babies born here in the UK to women over 40 over the last 30 years (what a mouthful that stat is!). This equates to some 28,000 babies out of the 700,000 born in 2012.
So is this a problem?
Well, yes. In an ideal world of course it wouldn’t be. But having babies in your 40′s carries increased risks of genetic disorders, and is riskier for mum too. Women over 40 are more prone to pregnancy related disorders such as gestational diabetes, pre-eclampsia and hypertension and their babies are at increased risk of being delivered pre-term, at lower birth weights, and with chromosomal defects. Of course, the majority of babies will come into the world healthy and happy with their mother’s safe and well - but facts are facts and unfortunately, older women are less biologically cut out for the rigors of pregnancy.
There’s also the heartbreak for women whose eggs are not playing ball. They’ll often have to go through the painstaking (and costly) route of IVF to try and conceive using either their own eggs or donors. As hard as it is to accept, this is the reality of postponing your pregnancy plans.
A secondary concern is, of course, the pressures on midwifery staff and the cost to the NHS. The older woman will require far greater levels of monitoring throughout her pregnancy to ensure that mother and child are healthy. Of course, this shouldn’t inform our decisions on whether or not to have a baby later in life, but it will need tackling if the trend continues. And continue, it just might…
So what is fueling this trend?
Psychologist Oliver James speaking on BBC’s The Big Questions, explained that the issue is twofold. In part, the trend is caused by a wave of new feminism. The typical life road-map of a young woman is very different to that of a young woman in the 50′s and 60′s. Yesterday’s teenager will have been encouraged to find a partner and begin a family much earlier in life - her education will have included ‘how to keep house’ and ‘how to raise children’, a theme that is all but forgotten in modern day education. We enjoy new freedoms in our 20′s, focus on home buying and our careers in our 30′s, then relationships and family in our 40′s.
Many women are also reporting that there is a struggle to find a suitable partner until they are well into their 30′s. James states that our ‘ideal man’ also looks very different in this day and age. Our ‘have it all’ culture has heightened our aspirations and expectations, and we now look for far more when selecting men to share our lives with. We want someone who shares the same level of education (if not better) than ourselves, is hardworking, earning more, and (typically) just a few years older than ourselves. That’s some list!
I found myself nodding in agreement with James’ theories, and they appear to be supported by some of the women I’ve spoken to when researching this piece. It’s just a shame that this cultural shift can’t be replicated by biology.
I had my last baby at 39.5 yrs old and do worry about how old I will be when they get to 18 etc (I had my 1st at almost 37). But if I were a few years younger I would definitely have just one more! I wasn’t fortunate enough to meet my husband before I turned 35 so for me having children with the right partner just wasn’t an option any younger. I say, if you are fit and healthy and willing and able to look after a baby why not have them into your early 40′s! Jo Laybourn (Facebook)
The effect on mum and baby’s wellbeing
Although I’m of the opinion that the disparity between biological and emotional readiness is problematic, I certainly don’t consider 40 too old to start a family. Many older women who become mothers have achieved a greater level of financial and emotional stability, and have no doubt acquired more transferable knowledge and life skills that will make them fantastic mothers. The odds of them raising happy and fulfilled children is therefore stacked in their favour, both with or without their partners.
As I set about researching this post, I spoke to many older mummy’s (both online and offline), and their stories are incredibly positive. In fact, the only striking thing about their accounts is that those who were able to compare their later pregnancy with an earlier one admitted it was much harder the second time around. This might be interesting, but is hardly the harrowing story we might have expected.
I had my first at 19yrs, second at 34, third 37 and another 6 weeks ago at 38… we may have another which will put me over 40 yrs. From my experience pregnancy is much harder with age, it was a breeze at 19, not so at twice the age lol!! I also know a lot more than I did the first time (of course) and that is not always a good thing!! Sitting in antenatal clinic I still felt in the middle of the age group so the age of people having babies is certainly on the rise, also a lot of those older women were pregnant for the first time Katherine Swainston
I have given birth in each of my reproductive decades: teens, 20′s, 30′s and 40′s. Without a doubt being 40 was so much harder. Sleepless nights, the physicality of pregnancy and childbirth and the feeling of isolation from other new mums has been trying! Saying that though, my youngest is blessed with four older siblings who will always be there for him as I get older and more decrepit and he is a breath of fresh air within our family Wendy Macdonald
Perhaps significantly, only one woman (out of the 15 interviewed) found her later pregnancy easier. I’m mindful of the fact that every pregnancy is different and it will depend entirely on a mother’s emotional response to pain, and anxiety surrounding the birth. It does go to show however, that you can achieve your own dream birth plan later in life if you trust in your body… and that body is up to the task!
Much easier on my body - I knew I could do it … so much so that I did it at home. I knew that the more relaxed I was the easier it would be so stayed put - Rowan was born after 72 minutes and two contractions after the midwife arrived. Emotionally it was a much better delivery for me than the one 8 years previously as this time I was on my own and in a much better place. Elaine Colliar
Despite this, having a baby in later life can be fairly isolating and lonely. A few mums at Dexter’s playgroup alluded to the fact that they did feel somewhat adrift from other expectant mother’s in antenatal classes, and this sense of exclusion is echoed later on at the school gates. One mummy stated she felt unsupported immediately after the birth of her child as her friends and family ‘expected’ her to cope due to her age. Nevertheless this seems to be a minority view.
The one response that did make me think however, was a very honest account of a pal who had older parents. Although she speaks very lovingly about her folks, she did have a bittersweet childhood as a result of her older parentage. Her mum was 40 when she was born in 1983 - and by all accounts was treated abhorrently in hospital. She alluded to a constant battle ‘over what was cool’ and found it lonely having no siblings to help her educate her parents. She was bullied as a result making school life particularly dismal, and her father could also barely walk from age 50 so she felt she ‘missed out’ on lots of activities. Finally, now she has a little one of her own, her mother is in her 70′s and cannot offer any real help or support.
Although her story is notably sad, it does appear to be one with extenuating circumstances. Her father’s ill health, and a lack of compassion from her peers has seemingly exacerbated the problem. Many children born to older parents will have older siblings, and fit and healthy (and dare I say it, trendy) parents that will counteract these issues from the offset. Nevertheless it does highlight the need to take parenting seriously in your older years.
So where’s the criticism coming from?
Good news here too. Although, on the same programme, another survey was alluded to that suggested that 70% of women over 50 disapprove of older mums (I should point out that I can’t find the source for this), many of the mums I spoke to reject the idea they are experiencing prejudice from others.
Nevertheless there is the odd horror story out there. Speaking back in March 2013, journalist Jackie Brown didn’t do the older woman any favours and made some brutally honest comments about her style of ‘older parenting’ on This Morning, and a quicky twitter search reveals a few hastily-made and casually-tossed insults at the older woman. Mostly however, the criticism (perhaps even understandably) seems to be leveled at women who would to see IVF made available on the NHS.
The role of the media and celebrity culture: Oh and Tina Malone and the over 50′s club!
Media certainly has had a part to play in the rise of the ‘much’ older parent. Rod Stewart’s fertility appears to know no bounds, and recently Tina Malone has given birth (aged 50) to her daughter, Flame. I can’t help but wade in with my size 6′s here and feel we’re bordering on selfish territory. However I guess parenthood for the rich and famous looks very different to that that the rest of us will experience - many of us won’t have the finances to undergo such intense rounds of IVF, nor the paid help available to ease the burdens of parenting, nor will be able to offer our children the privileges and experiences theirs will have.
Tina Malone’s was a success story not least because of her obvious good health and financial stability. But having said that, the years she spent not paying attention to her health probably put her in a higher risk group despite all the positives. Naturally I wish her the best of luck and found her to be very warm and candid about her journey when speaking on This Morning a few days ago. She looked fantastic and I almost changed my views on over the older 50′s-club as a result. But I just can’t seem to stop coming back to the idea of that big age gap when her child is older. It certainly poses the question - how old is too old to become a mum?
Image: This Morning
So what do we think guys? Would you have a baby in your 40′s, or even your 50′s? Would the risks to your health, or your baby’s make you think twice? Or perhaps you have your own experience to share. Let’s have a good old debate!
The final paragraph of your post totally fits with my thinking - Tina Malone really did look incredible on This Morning (and I don’t think it was just clever styling or they’d have made sure she didn’t have chipped nail polish haha) She seemed to have coped far better with her section than I did with mine this time round and she’s got almost 20 years on me! But . . . and this is the big but - her child is going to lose her mother much younger than most. When Flame starts to consider having children, even if she’s only 20, her own mother will be in her seventies . . . I have several friends who have entered motherhood without their own mothers to support them and never has there been a more painful time for them.
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Totally agree. I hate to be judgmental and really do wish her the best. She urged people on This Morning to join the debate so opened herself up for comments. Thankfully my opinion is one of many and many are very supportive. After all - who am I to judge? It’s also worth saying that I don’t have my mum and our age gap was only 22 years. She’s an alcoholic and hasn’t offered one word of encouragement since I’ve become a mummy (we barely speak). Better to have a 70 year old who can offer you advice and support over the phone, than none at all x
I had my fist at 22 and my fifth at 38 and there really are pros and cons to both. At either extreme I felt I was the only person I knew in my situation and wasn’t the same as the other Mums at toddler groups.
I always considered 38 to be a sensible limit and fate stepped in to assure I hit my own limit. Much as I adore babies and toddlers and being pregnant and giving birth are my special skills, I wouldn’t get pregant again on purpose now because I want to have time to enjoy my children, not worry about what will happen to them when I die or become incapable of looking after them.
I want to understand their music and TV and their electronics, and not be 2 generations behind and so far removed I don’t have a clue what they’re talking about.
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Agreed. I would point out though that my other half’s mum had 4 children - 1 of them well into her 40′s, late in fact. They are impossibly close and she is very hands on. There is a generational divide though - you’re quite right. Although I don’t sense any resentment between them, it must be very hard to communicate.
Great post - and really interesting. My mum was 31 when she had me in the 1970s, and qualified as one of the oldest mums at the school gates.
I was 33 and 35 when I had my boys, and feel now at 40 that I’m too tired to have any more. I think if we’d started our family a little younger I might have gone for more (we tried to have children sooner, but had a couple of miscarriages before I carried full-term).
But that’s not to say I judge women who have babies older. If anything, I feel sorry for children of teenage mothers who look like they are not mature enough to cope with looking after themselves, never mind a baby.
It’s that road-map theory again, isn’t it! Interestingly, when our parents had us young back in the 50′s and 60′s, many had children with partners they weren’t wholly committed to - but then many of these relationships have survived. It makes me think it’s perhaps something we place undue emphasis on. Particularly as I suspect that even those who wait to find ‘the one’ will continue to see high levels of divorce and separation. You mum certainly went against normal conventions, and fair play to her - she was ahead of her time!
Interesting you bring up teenage mums. It’s tough isn’t it. Either extreme makes for complicated family dynamics.
I hadn’t first at 18, second at 22, third at 25, fourth at 32, fifth at 33 and sixth at 39!
I have to admit I had minor complications in all pregnancies and number 2 and number 6 were tested for chromosomal problems (thankfully came back clear). I also had gestational diabetes with my last three pregnancies (they think I had it with the 3rd but it wasn’t picked up) - I am not over-weight, just unlucky!
I have to admit that parenthood is easier now I’m older but that could be as much to do with experience that anything else - I certainly have more patience (most of the time). We are also more financially stable and we are at a stage where we can afford for me to stay at home with the children. I think everyone is different and it’s unfair to compare, although I do think it is wrong for women to have children into their 50s and 60s when not biologically able to do so naturally. I do worry about being around when my children are teens as we lost my 37 year old sister to a heart attack last year, but I know my oldest three will take good care of the smallest should anything happen!
Go you!!! Lol - that’s a big family you have there.
One thing that strikes me about your comment though is that you disagree with 50 and 60 year olds IF they are unable to conceive naturally - but then some are. I was watching a show on this the other day and most of the babies delivered to +50′s are accidents (primarily when someone receives cancer treatment - apparently there’s a strong link). This is when it gets really tough for me as abortion is (and absolutely should be) a personal choice.
Agreed though that rounds of IVF on bodies that are no longer biologically viable is pointless. Fostering should be the alternative if you still have love to give in your later years.
I had my three quite late in life. The first was born a few days after my 35th birthday, the second when I was 37 and the third when I was 38. Fertility issues meant I didn’t have children earlier and I am sad that they will never meet my grandparents who all died before they were born. However, as I never thought I would ever be a Mum having children at any age is a blessing.
Absolutely.
There are two diametrically opposed views on this from what I can make out. Many of us feel that it can never be selfish to bring a child into the world, and provide it with a warm and loving family. On the flip side, antagonists will point out that babies don’t ask to be created or born - we make that decision for them. It’s a fascinating debate (although I know which side I’m on!).
I had my son at age 23, I don’t consider myself a young mum but obviously I’m far from being an older mum. I did so because my logic was based on the fact that I can get a new job but I can’t get a new body. I have no idea if I want any more children yet, but tbh I’m glad that I have atleast a good 10 years if not more to decide to do so naturally with no extra cost from IVF.
But as I now have to think about getting the job life back on track a 2nd baby would really interrupt that so perhaps it is best not to have a 2nd. And whether you find being older or younger to be easier/cheaper/whatever really is subjective.
That said I think we should be fair to older mums and give them 1 free shot at IVF, but not give any subsequent IVF treatments free after that on the grounds that it isn’t unreasonable to expect that a woman who has presumably worked all that time rather than have children early must have been able to save a decent ammount to be able to afford it without expecting the rest of us to pay for it.
Interesting.
You’ve almost defied conventions with your decisions so far and I see your dilemma re career vs children. The nice thing about your situation is that if you do feel that urge to grow your family, (fingers crossed) you can do so. It’s a great position to be in.
I wonder, do you think there should be a cut-off age for that free shot at IVF? I agree to an extent, but do feel women aged 40+ should pay for their own. Only because I see at as a huge risk over this age.
I had my first at 38 and my second at 40 (2 weeks off 41). I didn’t meet my husband until I was 35. It took us 15 months to conceive our first son. I feel like emotionally, I wasn’t ready at first because I was so used to my lovely calm adult only life the previous 20 years but now I feel much more in control and like I have more to offer than I would have done when I was younger. I have also fitted in lots of the things I wanted to do (education/travel, etc.) before the responsibility of parenthood kicked in. I had completely uncomplicated pregnancies and labour but the scare stories were more worrying second time round. I have creaky knees - sometimes that is the one thing I feel regretful about being older - trying to haul myself up off the floor after kneeling down on the ground playing with my toddler! What you say about Tina Malone and the thought of the future is true though - a lot of people who want children older and older only focus on the baby bit, or the young children bit and don’t think about what life might be like as a family of grown children. I have relied sooo heavily on my own mum throughout my experience of mothering and thank heavens that she had me as young as 27! I just hope I will be fit and healthy enough to be there for my boys when they need me as young adults.
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My biggest regret is not traveling so I can fully appreciate what you mean. The very act of studying / traveling makes us more appreciative, worldly, well-rounded etc - all these things the older mother will have to pass onto her children. They can only be the better for the experience.
I had mine at 43 and 45 and they are both healthy, happy children. I had absolutely no problems with either pregnancy. The Media talks a lot of utter tosh about older mothers, more born out of misogyny than any real medical concern. We are all individuals and need to make the choices that are best for us and our children. Frankly, all this judgement crap drives me nuts. If you meet the right man and can have a baby before 35 well good for you but life’s not always like that, is it? As we live longer I think the trend for older mothers will increase and as for strain on the NHS, we need to sort out problems with alcohol and obesity. And I don’t think midwives are under pressure because of swathes of older mothers bunging up their wards!
Do you feel judged then Linda? Many of the older mummy’s I chatted to couldn’t understand where the criticism was coming from so I find your comment really interesting.
Unfortunately midwives are feeling the pressure though - that’s a direct quote from mine, backed up by the 3 press releases they’ve circulated in the last 6 months. It’s solvable though - just need better allocation of resources within the NHS.
Not sure what you mean by older mums not understanding where the criticism is coming from? I’m just referring to endless articles in the Daily Mail basically scare-mongering about older motherhood. Just look at the pictures they use - older , grey haired women with baby bumps. Talk about stereotyping! I have not come across personal judgement but I was asked outright if I’d had IVF because the person couldn’t comprehend that I might have conceived naturally.
I think early 40′s is just about ok but later and you have to wonder who they are doing it for? I’m not sure that having a baby later in life is taking the baby’s needs into consideration? I have a second cousin who didn’t have her first baby until her 50′s and she just isn’t in the same place physically as the younger Mums and nor does she have much in common with them? Our children are similar ages but she doesn’t want to hang out with me, she wants to chat to my Mum because they’re similar ages. She is also tired and worn out more than I am and I think that is definitely something to think about.