Doctor’s waiting rooms are strange places.
They have all the quietness and reverence of a library and are hot-bed’s of exasperation and frustration (products of our withered and overloaded NHS). This is only further compounded by the fact that everyone is silently imagining what is wrong with all the other people present.
There’s your usual smattering of old people coughing into handkerchiefs having succumbed to a mixture of their low immune system’s and loneliness. They’re usually huddled on one side of the room as though every newcomer is frightened of having to converse with them.
There’s the twenty something male who looks like death owing to the fact their hair isn’t styled and they haven’t shaved in two days - I always imagine they’ve deliberately roughed themselves up to get a doctor’s note for a few sneaky days off work.
Then there are the mums desperately trying to control their bored and insatiable children. It’s then a guessing game of which family member is there to visit the doctor - mum looks stressed, the toddler is having a full-on meltdown, the older children look sullen and miserable - any one of them could have grounds for medical intervention.
I was there for the fifth time in a matter of months to discuss a long-running complaint that I was bored of talking about. I was tired, grumpy, miserable and already anticipating it would be hard work to get my doctor to do anything vaguely helpful during our 5 minute chat. I was mentally running through what I was going to say and trying to look adequately run-down to get my doctor to refer me to a specialist. All whilst trying to entertain my tiny tot with a sock monkey.
In walks a mum with a crying baby and young boy (I’m guessing around 5 or 6 years old as he’s in school uniform). Whilst placating her baby, the other child is prancing around, liberating the leaflet stand of all its leaflets, and indignantly puffing up his chest to the old people.
Poor mum.
She showed all the outward signs of being an attentive parent so she wasn’t to blame. She was just totally preoccupied with breast-feeding her newborn to do anything more than call to her other child to ‘sit down with mummy’. I spotted she had a Pink Lining change bag and a Stokke pushchair… I remember trivially thinking that she must have money.
The child had crept closer to mum having been warned that he wouldn’t get a story before bed if he didn’t comply. But he was still shirking off mums attempts to pull him down to a sitting position. For reasons unknown he then does something unimaginably embarrassing prompting giggles from everyone under 50, and frowns from the rest. Mum’s face beared all the hallmarks of mortification.
“Hey Sexy Lady” - Yep. The child was singing Gangnam Style. Loudly. With pelvic thrusts.
“Dylan. I mean it. Sit down.” Mum quickly plucked baby from her breast and frantically tried to silence her son. Half up from her seat, back half-turned depositing baby into the Stokke, left hand outstretched blindly grasping for her son who was break-dancing behind her.
“This is Gangbang style, Gangbang style
This is Gangbang style, Gangbang style
This is Gangbang style” - Now innocently dry-humping the floor.
The horror. The shame. Of all the mispronunciation’s.
I grabbed Dexter and started to bounce him on my lap hoping he’d pull a face so I could let out a laugh. Sick-note suddenly gained a rosier complexion. The older folk started muttering under their breath. Mum looked defeated. It was a truly epic performance.
I’m sure I’m not the only parent who has fantasized about torturing the chubby, fame-hungry and imaginary-horse-riding wally that is PSY. Let us not forget he has a murky past that belies his child-friendly exterior. Gangnam Style is on a par with the Crazy Frog to me - equally banal and capable of effecting terrifying excitement among children between the ages of 2 and 10 - I’m sure, at that moment, the mum in the doctor’s surgery would agree.
Yet for all the cringeworthyness of the performance we were entreated to in that waiting room, there are some hugely cute amateur Youtube clips of babies reaction’s. Here are some of my favourites:
(NOTE: Thankfully, having just tortured Dexter with several bursts of Gangnam Style whilst choosing these videos - I’m happy to report he looked as unimpressed as me)
